"a caterpillar doesn't just grow into a butterfly. a caterpillar must undergo metamorphosis, and a cocoon is where a caterpillar risks it all: enters total chaos, undergoes total rebuilding, and is born to a new way of living. only in taking the risk of entering that inert cocoon can the caterpillar go from dormancy to potency, from ugliness to beauty."

Sunday, March 27, 2005

five things

I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things....
I play with leaves. I skip down the street
and run against the wind.

-- Leo Buscaglia

this post is inspired by weng, my former roommate. this is one of the off-shoots of our e-mail exchanges which revolve on the theme, five things. we're trying to answer five questions or share five things per e-mail so we can be updated on how we are doing and continue getting to know each other despite the physical distance.

let me share...

#1 What is it that you like seeing?

>> natural green: grass, trees

i like the canopies of acacia trees around the UP acad oval

>> friends (not the tv show, but MY friends!)

haniko's trio of witches:
thin, thinner, and the thin line

the caterpillar, the geeemail and the volcano
mga na-trauma
sa duranta...
mga isinuka ng begonia?

#2 What smell do you love most?

>> newly-cut grass (i love the smell of coffee, too...i just don't drink coffee, hahaha!)

#3 What is it that you love to taste?

>> green mangoes. (i like 'em small and sour. nam. nam. nam.)

#4 What is it that you like to hear?

>> sea waves, real birds a-chirping, my phone's message alert tone (hahaha!) and senti songs that either make hearts want to fly or die

>> people saying i have an unread message on my phone even if there's none. (apparently, many would always confuse my screensaver with the message alert indicator. how nice!)

#5 What is it that you like to touch?

>> hair (sa ulo ha! it doesn't matter if the hair's not mine, basta hair sa ulo. hehehe.)

>> my voodoo toys? (bwahahaha! hey, i'm only joking.)

meet voodoo boy and voodoo girl.
they are harmless. promise.

Monday, March 21, 2005


0 1 2 3 4
"By any measure you are special.
God made you one such person.
Don't let anything ever change the good in you."

that is my favorite text message of all time. the one message i wouldn't delete from my phone's inbox. the oldest. the one i wouldn't mind to receive over and over again.

no, this post is not about my favorite text message of all time. this is all about the one who sent me the message...


i could exhaust all words and write endlessly... and, still, i wouldn't come close to describing how worthwhile life is because...

at one point in time, we walked in on each other's lives and never walked out ever since.

commercial cards inside plastic wraps, long letters, tiny notes, mga abubot at anik-anik, packed lunches, movies, song hits, nintendo games, senti notebooks, cagayan de oro trips, piles of books, bloopers, old magazines, "yester-years" pictures, kitchen adventures, laughs, personalized cassette tapes, crafty gifts, pillow talks, phone conversations, text messages, sikad rides, watching horizons while sitting on the seaside with the sun shining and the wind blowing on our faces, experiencing, dreaming, sharing, walking to wherever our feet can take us, esteem boosts, silence.

they're just some of the things i treasure. they're just some of the things i associate with us.

us. my best friend and i.


we were connected even before we were born, our mothers being close friends in college and all. however, we never knew of each other's existence until 1995 -- when i was 12 and when she was 13 -- when we became high school classmates. we got along well, enjoyed our conversations, and became close friends over lunch and green mangoes. soon after, we realized we've become best friends.

april 2004
one of those very few photos we have

she's the epitome of a beautiful person: a beauty with brains and good personality and talents to boot! she's every gentleman's dream girl. a meek head-turner. a calm presence of simplicity amidst all the complexities. a silent sage. everybody's friend. a kind-hearted being. an unspoiled only child. a cool and fun person beneath all the goody-goody shell. my best friend in all the world, in all the universe.

born nine months ahead of me, she's like the elder sister i never had but i don't call her ate. she keeps me on my toes and reprimands me for being so palaaway. nevertheless, she accepts my kamalditahan and puts up with all my rants. she listens to my endless chatter and enjoys (or endures? hehehe) my crazy antics. she writes me the nicest letters and comes up with good poems and excellent music! she shares my passion for reading and we both like spending time watching movies while feeling comfortable on her parents' bed. she feeds my hunger for repartees and long conversations. most of all, she believes in me and keeps me up when i'm down. she always does her best to break my falls. she's willing to stand for me when my knees go buckling.

we call ourselves the magic girls, hehehe. we're corny like that, but we don't really care. we enjoy each other's company anywhere despite the fact that...

this is the picture of our tandem: she's the angel without wings. i'm the demon without the pitchfork. she represents silence. i represent noise. if she's good, then i'm evil. if she were a jedi, i'd be a sith. people who know us can attest that we're opposites. fortunately, we don't really clash.

two different sides of the same coin. s.a.d. and i.


"The most beautiful discovery that true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart."
-- Elizabeth Foley

shell, it's been almost a year since we last saw each other and i'm missing you, too. eventhough cebu and manila are seas apart, know that all that distance is nothing.

this post happens to be my testimonial for you. i got too carried away that it ended in my blog instead of in your friendster account. hehehe. silly me.

p.s. add sappy, too! i haven't told you this but you probably already know:

my greatest achievement, so far, is being your best friend.

Friday, March 18, 2005

voices and choices

"A dream that you don't fight for
can haunt you for the rest of your life."

-- from the movie, Robots

first there was one. now, there are three. meet the voices...

the little voice: 'a dream that you don't fight for will haunt you forever.'
the big voice: hahaha. nice try! you got it wrong though. listen. 'a dream that you don't fight for will haunt you for the rest of your life.'
the medium voice: duh. it's 'a dream that you don't fight for can haunt you for the rest of your life.' you know she doesn't like it when you get things wrong.
me: sssssssshhhhhh. stop it!

the big voice: you should go for that dream you know. you're cut for it.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.
the little voice: no, no, no. you should go for that other dream. that's where we'll be happy. you know that.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.
the medium voice: methinks you should go for both. yes you can, yes we can. what's stopping you? have both.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.


pretty soon, i'll be forced to make a choice. if nothing helpful happens between now and whenever pretty soon will be, i know that when pretty soon finally comes to make me decide, i will be torn like i've never been torn before... oh, how could the feeling of doom loom over someone who is supposed to be optimistic?

i'm nearing another crossroad and i can't blame people for wanting to know what road i'll be taking in going beyond there. i, myself, would want to know what i'm gonna do next but in as much as i want to be able to provide an answer, i can't -- i do not know yet what my next step will be and that pains me because i am not used to not knowing. i hope people would stop asking because it sends me to that mixed state of depression and confusion. i do not like being uncertain. it makes me sad. it makes me wanna cry. it makes me feel weak.


out there, in the distance, are my dreams. vague pictures. although i have the power to make them crystal clear now, i refuse to. i find myself afraid of what i might see. i still need to muster enough courage to pry into what they really hold for me. up ahead, they are there waiting for me. for now, that's enough.

two defocused big dreams.

from where i am, that's what i see. i wish to pursue them both but, as of now, they seem to be incompatible... i do not see them going together. one seems to be oil. the other seems to be water. immiscible. so, the way i see it, one has to give way for the other. whichever i choose will determine the course of my life for, at least, the next two or three years. whichever i choose, will affect the rest of my life. whichever i choose, i stand to lose. ouch! God knows i need a reason to make me able to see them as compatible. then, i could have them both and i shall not be torn.

there's got to be a way! i don't wanna pursue one dream, give up the other and, in the end, be haunted by the dream i did not choose. if only i can have my cake and eat it, too...


i've been praying for something to happen to make me make up my mind and i'm waiting. He's taking His time and i'm not gonna tell Him to hurry because i trust His sense of timing.

He knows i want one more than i want the other. i want it so much, it makes me more afraid to go after it whole-heartedly. i want to have it but i'm having second thoughts of giving my all to it because even if i do so, i might still fail. no doubt that if i succeed, i'd be the happiest being i'll know there is in the world. however, if i fail, what then will be left of me? arrgggh. the dilemma...

you can't blame me.

i've been doing stabs at it, and it seems that no matter what i do, i can't really have it. sure, sometimes i get a hold of it but it slips away within moments. it has a lot of promise but it seems too fleeting... it seems to be forever ahead of me and won't settle on my palm.

it's too early to give up, i know, but i'm already tired of trying. that is why i'm back to waiting...

and, yes, hoping that when pretty soon comes, i won't have to choose after all. it could be that, from afar, the desires of my mind, heart and soul are different but, at close range, they are one and the same. maybe it's just a matter of perspective.

sana lang...


the little voice: ha! i knew it! she wants my dream!
the big voice: silly, she meant the other one. she meant my dream!
the medium voice: come on, she already said she wants both. let her take her time. she'll find a way at hitting them both with a single stone, so to speak. she always does, you know that.
me: whatever.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

sweet, cute, endearing and haunting

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you."
-- Frederick Buechner

"can i keep you?"
-- Casper, 1995

Sunday, March 13, 2005

paradise in my mind

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the flower leaves
on the heel of the one who
crushed it."

--Mark Twain

in my presence...
the greens are blushing,
the rocks are dancing,
the waters are singing,
the trees are smiling.

in my silence...
the crickets are whispering,
the birds are whistling,
the bees are humming,
the butterflies are talking.

in my patch under the sky...
the wildflowers are breathing,
the wind is cheering,
the earth is rejoicing,
a star is flying!

in my universe...
i am not on my own,
i am not alone,
i've found my Eden,
i'm close to home.

-=-vkpm, 2005-=-

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

the A-Z answers to the A-Z survey

"To find meaning in life does not require a miracle.
Even in the most ordinary circumstances,
there exists the serene truth of the whole universe --
that to be really human, one must love no matter the cost."

--Jesus Urteaga

A- Addiction?
>>> skittles

B- Bands (favorite bands)?
>>> local: side a

>>> international: the beatles (definitely yet to be beaten!)

C- Crush aside from your bf/gf?
>>> this item assumes that i have a bf and giving an answer to this will give people the impression that i have one. i don't have a bf (nor a gf, hahaha) and i don't wanna give the impression that i have one.

so, a "pass" will do. whoa, lusot! =)

D- Dream place?
>>> batanes

E- Expressions?
>>> pagkabam!

>>> saon!

>>> oh noooooo

F- Funniest guy you have ever known?
>>> eddie. i wonder where this guy is and how he's doing. i haven't heard from him for quite a long time now.

G- Game (person you know who is always game for everything)?
>>> naoms. even when a coconut fell on her head, she kept going! tough gurl.

H- Hottest guys you think of?
>>> brad pitt. we share the same birthday, but he's old enough to be my father, hahaha!

>>> jude law. he's not the sexiest man alive for nothing, is he?

>>> takeshi kaneshiro. i know haniko will kill me for this, but... the heck, he is one hot guy. he's asian, too! never mind that cinema buddy and i found the house of flying daggers a.k.a shi mian mai fu disappointing. when we watched it last year (18th of october, as far as i know) at gb3, we felt robbed. we thought it was "gb3-worthy", it was not! it was more of a love story than a martial arts film, and the love story wasn't even a great one at that. so duh! misleading title and weak ending. 'nough said.

hahaha, i've finally gotten around to bashing the house of flying daggers in my blog. i thought i said i'm never gonna write about it. oh well.

I- Interesting persons you find?
>>> students.

J- J for?
>>> jr3.

K- Kiss (wish you get a kiss from?)
>>> certainly not from a dog. (i know i didn't quite answer the question, hahaha.)

L- Longest kiss you had?
>>> i have yet to experience a real kiss... and when i do, don't expect that i'll be talking about it. plus, i doubt if i'll be clocking it; i'm far too romantic. hahaha. =)

next letter!

M- Meanest guys you know?
>>> those classmates i had in grade one who stole my cookies and drank my water. i wonder where they are now.

N- Nicest thing a guy bought for you?
>>> jecoi the pale yellow teddy bear, which is my friend jerk's graduation gift to me. it's quite big (but nowhere as big as pale brown JL, the teddy bear he gave tiff, his girlfriend), nice to cuddle but difficult to travel with. so, i left it at home.

O- Overnight at?
>>> the seashore.

picture this: lying on the sand under the canopy of the star-lit sky, talking 'til the break of dawn or 'til the moon finally sets to give in to the rising of the sun. stars in the night sky, moonset and sunrise. that would be so wow!

P- Prettiest friends you have?
>>> ladies of the ids99 alumni.

(hey, you, you, and you... i just called you ladies. be the ladies that you are: don't complain and say thank you instead.

by the way, you're welcome!)

Q- Quiet moments with?
>>> my best friend. as they say, the nicest conversations are those held in silence.

>>> myself. i also like my own company.

R- Reason (give one reason that would easily make you cry)?
>>> too much nostalgia, no doubt.

>>> too much conflicting emotions. no doubt about this, too.

hehehe, it says up there 'give one reason...' and i gave two. pagkabam!

S- Sexiest thing you can think of?
>>> saxophone music.

err... that's the first thought that came 'to mind. it's not tangible, can that be considered a thing?

T- Temptation (your greatest temptation?)
>>> good reads, definitely!

>>> going to places. this, too!

U- Unfortunate things you could think of?
>>> dark chapter of philippine history repeating itself: martial law and another edsa revolution. that!

>>> betrayal.

V- Vainest person you know?
>>> the best in math a.k.a probably the only rose propagated from a violet. hehehe.

the best in science might just strangle me for this.

W- Wish you were trapped with _______ in an elevator?
>>> the little voice. i don't think being trapped in an elevator will be a good experience. i'd rather go through that kind of ordeal with my alter-ego. that way, i can spare other people from the would-be trauma. naks...

X- Xfactor (your x-factor?)
>>> my masochistic tendencies. pains = gains.

if you have other things in mind, tell me what you think.

Y- Yummiest scent (name a person you can think of)?
>>> allie! she's my cousin's darling daughter.

don't you just love the scent of 'em neat little kids? it makes them so yummy!!!

Z- Z is?
>>> someone...

>>> z zzzz zzz for sleeping, which i can't seem to get enough of these days. i'm such a lazy kid! daz it, i'm going to zleep now.

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