"a caterpillar doesn't just grow into a butterfly. a caterpillar must undergo metamorphosis, and a cocoon is where a caterpillar risks it all: enters total chaos, undergoes total rebuilding, and is born to a new way of living. only in taking the risk of entering that inert cocoon can the caterpillar go from dormancy to potency, from ugliness to beauty."

Thursday, October 20, 2005

taken, gone

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,
and you shall see that in truth you are weeping
for that which has been your delight.

--Kahlil Gibran

remember this?

somebody ripped it off my wall. i don't know where the big piece is now and i don't wanna go looking for it -- i'm trying to avoid more pain. most likely it's in one of those big trash bins, crumpled and torn. i imagine it must have been carelessly thrown away... in the same manner that it was torn off as indicated by the bits of yellow crepe paper left on the wall.

the one who ripped it off didn't know how much i valued what was taken. if only the person had known, if only i had known beforehand my work's fate... perhaps it could have been saved.

it's beyond saving now.

when i realized it was gone and saw the torn yellow bits stuck on the wall, anger welled up in me and i thought i was going to explode. i did not. the more i looked at the yellow bits, the more i was made aware of my loss and i just wanted to cry. gawa ko 'yon eh, pinaghirapan ko 'yon... tapos... argh! i didn't cry -- i stopped myself from doing so because i didn't want my roommate to see me crying. heck, i can talk about crying but i don't want anyone to see me crying. as i've said, i didn't cry... 'though i wanted to.

i didn't cry but i felt defeated. i only had 1.5 hours of sleep in the last 36 hours and i got back to my room tired... and what was there waiting to greet me?

not warmth but the empty wall.

the absence of a symbol of comfort and something personally valuable and irreplaceable.

another embrace from the feeling of loss.

the latest addition to my piled up frustrations and blues.

finding meme oh!

i got tagged by the trickmeister and in the spirit of friendship and blog-citizenship, i'm gonna do this 23/5 thing...

So, here are the instructions:
1. Go to your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence or closest to it.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

my 23rd post is time travel -- posted last year on the 27th day of august. the 5th sentence of the said post is '5 years ago, i was a college freshie and was finally free from wearing uniforms!' ngeork. if you're game for this, you're IT!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

from last saturday to yesterday

Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face.
--Nelson DeMille

at about 2 a.m. last saturday (october 8, 2005), i got back to the dorm from a beer-drinking session in padi's point-araneta center feeling sleepy and fully expecting that i'd be waking up later that day with a nasty hangover and, therefore, oh so sick. however, my expectations failed me.

i woke up at about 8:30 a.m. feeling fine. himala! all those glasses of beer i had did not cause my system to revolt... and i'm not really a beer drinker. i woke up with a major problem though because my hair was reeking with the stench of cigarette smoke. argh!

ewww talaga! i shampooed my hair twice to get rid of the odor... but what do you know? i was done rinsing the conditioner off my hair and was already preparing to get out of the shower cubicle when i caught my hair's smell. ewww! i could still smell fifty five thousand cigarettes slightly masked by the combined scents of the shampoo and conditioner. so what did i do next? i shampooed my hair with a solution of ariel detergent! haha, what i did was a desperate act and i'm giving you the permission to laugh. the ariel solution did the trick and killed off the stench of the fifty five thousand cigarettes. after that, i shampooed my hair with "real shampoo" and applied conditioner again. O.C.!!!

yes, i do admit to being O.C. (obsessive-compulsive). not only did i shampoo my hair four times, i also changed my pillowcases and bedsheets for good measure. there are really smells that i can't stand.

no, i did not smoke those fifty five thousand cigarettes because, for the record, i don't smoke. their collective smell successfully found its way to my hair during the six hours or so that my friends and i spent inside the bar.


i encountered major laptop troubles this week. last monday morning, i found out that my dell's no longer capable of displaying anything except for some lines of colors which later faded and gave way to black. i could still tell that the system was booting up and loading, but that was all. because i couldn't see the display, i couldn't retrieve the files i needed for that day. pooh! on a monday? bad start. troubleshooting had to wait until thursday as i had other things to do...

last thursday, i brought my laptop to the lab so it could be connected to a separate monitor and see if there's any display. there was!!! oh gawd, that was not relieving because that implied an LCD problem. my dell can't go just yet! with my laptop connected to the external monitor, i did some system maintenance and i unconsciously did something which i really shouldn't have done because i ended up compounding my LCD problem with a software problem -- my operating system got corrupted and just wouldn't load!!! added to that, some of the keys stopped functioning. LCD problem plus corrupted operating system plus malfunctioning keyboard. oh noooooooo. oh nooooooo. oh no.

my laptop is okay now and is no longer 'possessed'. i was able to fix the problems myself with the 'press f8' help of my friend bau and techie advice from our geek friends. hek hek hek... because of everything that transpired, i'm closer to my dell now than i was to it before. don't ask me how i fixed the LCD problem or how i conquered the corrupted operating system, just beware of the curse of the 'possessed' laptop because once it takes a liking on you, it'll really test you again and again. when it strikes, even the experts will be at-a-loss and you're on your own.

my unsolicited advice: be ready with screwdrivers and derring-do. computers need r and r, too. r and r as in re-seating of modular devices and reinstallation.


i spent time with the volcano and the entity yesterday. from diliman, we found our way to megamall to watch a movie and then later on, we went to shang where we window-shopped. because i've already seen most of the movies being shown in the cinemas, my friends narrowed down the choices to those movies i have not seen yet and we decided on the 40-year old virgin. methinks we made a very good choice because we all enjoyed watching the movie. the volcano and i accidentally spilled half the contents of our big popcorn bag and, therefore, we contributed to the stickiness of the floors in *toot* *toot* cinemas. hahaha! not only that...

while waiting for the screening time, we checked out some shops in mega until we found ourselves in marks and spencer. the rose met an old-time pal there and got involved in a chit-chat that lasted seventy five thousand years. the long wait made the volcano and i restless. to while away the time, we tried all the testers found in the scents section of the shop. i sprayed lavender on my left palm, magnolia on my right palm, orange blossom on the back of my right hand, some scent on the back of my left hand, another scent on my left wrist, lotus on my right wrist, issis on the side of my right hand, some body, linen and room spray on the side of my left hand, and more issis on my arm. the volcano also sprayed some scents on her wrists. we took turns in smelling all of the scents and in no time, we were both dizzy! hahaha.

p.s. two of the evidences of our time together can be found in my friendster photos.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

take seven

she made me do this:

List seven of your favorite songs of the moment and force seven other people to repeat this process or a puppy/kitten somewhere in the world will be sad!

simple things
jim brickman featuring rebecca

listening to (and singing) this song gives me that "i'm home" feeling. it reminds me of the good things -- my happy doses, basically. it makes me appreciate how blessed i am. it fuels my optimism and definitely saves me from depression. it's a feel-good song that, for me, deserves 'repeat-mode status.'

"so here we go, let's just dance
teach my soul to take this chance"

goo goo dolls

i once locked myself inside my kuya's bedroom just so i could play this song with the volume of the speakers set to max and not earn my mother's ire for doing so. given that i don't really fully understand its underlying message, i honestly don't know how i got crazy over it. i don't even know the real reason why the title is 'iris.' nevertheless, i really like listening to the song -- especially the 'bang-bang' of the drums... there's just something about it.

"when everything feels like the movies
yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive"

side story: yesterday, my labmates and i trooped to gateway to watch a history of violence starring viggo mortensen a.k.a. lord of the rings' aragorn. after that, we spent sometime in fully-booked and then later, we went to padi's point for a spur-of-the-moment inuman-slash-celebration session. one of the bands there made my night by playing this song. wait, was it really hearing this song or seeing some band's semi-kal drummer...? hmmm.

kiss from a rose

i love this song and i have great admiration for people who can sing it so well. the song has a life of its own and comes more alive with excellent vocals. i'm convinced this is one of the best songs ever.

"i compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey...
the more i get of you the stranger it feels"

listening to this song reminds me of the god of small things. it's as gloomy, as enigmatic, and as sweeping... i could imagine velutha singing this for ammu.

baby, i love your way
peter frampton

a few years back, one kind guy sent me a note with this song's title penned on it. it was the song that got me, not him... although, i admit, he's likeable.

whenever i get to hear this song, i can't help but sing along. it's good (simple yet has this profound effect) and, as i've already said before, it would take a very lousy singer/band to ruin it.

"shadows grow so long before my eyes
and they're moving across the page"

this song is part of the soundtrack of that 1994 movie, reality bites starring winona ryder and ethan hawke. i heard brownman revival's rendition of this song and i can still play it in my head, with sax and all. mig ayesa's version is swabe and nakakatindig-balahibo. reportedly, even frampton himself was very impressed. shucks, pardon the taglish!

the scientist

i like the title! hahaha. i'm obviously biased. aside from this song, i also like coldplay's yellow. there's just something about these songs that makes me like listening to them despite the fact that i find their melodies dragging.

"i was just guessing at numbers and figures
pulling your puzzles apart"

hand in my pocket
alanis morissette

i lump this song with green day's basket case and matchbox 20's unwell. all three songs can pretty much capture the state i'm in whenever i'm in one of my 'crazy-slash-defiant' moods.

"what it all comes down to
is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine"

noel cabangon/buklod

i like listening to this song because it reminds me of days gone by. the emotions the song can evoke in me make me respect what happened in the past and think about what the future holds. its melody can easily cause LSS a.k.a. last song syndrome.

"malayang tulad ng mga ibon
ang gunita ng ating kahapon"

no thanks to jimmy bondoc who tortured my ears with his ala-"pinalaking LA lopez" rendition of this buklod 'classic'. i just had to let that out -- my apologies to jimmy bondoc and LA lopez fans who might happen to pass by this blog.

because i'm not in the mood to force people, i'll just close this post by encouraging anyone who wants to share his/her list of seven songs to DO SHARE and do spare a "puppy/kitten somewhere in the world" from impending sadness. =)

Monday, October 03, 2005

simple things

how i love the simple things,
the simple things just are...

-- Simple Things, Jim Brickman featuring Rebecca

i've been listening to this song for 4 days now. i've set the music player to repeat mode so everytime the song ends, it starts again and just goes on and on. i'm not yet tired of hearing it and perhaps i never will. oh geez... help? no, no, not yet, just let me be.

see, it's like my grilled blue marlin. my what? yes, it's like my 'official' favorite lunchtime order, grilled blue marlin. when i don't want to think and i just want to eat, i know where to go and i know what to say to the person behind the counter: grilled blue marlin. having set grilled blue marlin as my 'official' lunchtime order, i don't have to think much about lunchtime food and i don't have to worry about my appetite. in the same light, having set simple things as the 'official' song in my music player, i don't have to waste seconds in thinking of what songs to listen to. there's simple things in repeat mode and since it's not the kind of song that'll give me a headache in the long run, i don't have to bother looking for other songs to listen to. heck, am i making sense? whatever. bottomline, i don't tax my brain thinking too much of things that don't really require much thinking. the only drawback, if you can call it that, is that i'm now 'addicted' to simple things.

"after all the clouds go by,
the simple things remain"

i think i'm now ready for my concert with jim brickman on piano and rebecca as my chuchua... este back-up singer. hehehe. adik?

guess the name of my 'official' online photo gallery. it's simple... as in simple things, mwahahaha!

moving on...
i spent the first day of october with my beautiful (walang kokontra, okay?) friends, and here are our wonderful saturday afternoon souvenir pics...


haniko's witches: the trio is now a quadro

thank you, timer! thank you, camera!

oktoberfest! ...but more than that
as of today, it's 84 days to go before christmas and just 2 months, 2 weeks and 1 day until my birthday. yes, it's finally october! we are now in the last quarter of 2005. hmmm... i'm excited to go home and it gives me a huge, huge reason to smile. the anticipation makes me squeal in delight.


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