"a caterpillar doesn't just grow into a butterfly. a caterpillar must undergo metamorphosis, and a cocoon is where a caterpillar risks it all: enters total chaos, undergoes total rebuilding, and is born to a new way of living. only in taking the risk of entering that inert cocoon can the caterpillar go from dormancy to potency, from ugliness to beauty."

Saturday, December 31, 2005

new year, new list

this 2006, i will...
1. do more
2. eat more
3. sleep more
4. drink more (i mean water, okay)

Monday, December 26, 2005

good as gone

Dreams say what they mean,
but they don't say it in daytime language.

--Gail Godwin

remember this?

after quite a long time, i dreamt of him again.

just like the last time, i didn't see his face, i doubt if i ever will... but i knew it was him. he was standing a good distance away from me, and, weird it may be that i could tell, he was looking at me.

i couldn't see his face but i could feel his eyes on me, and i just felt the need for me to look away.

i did look away, but only for awhile. when i looked again, he was still there, standing a good distance away from me, but he's no longer looking at me... he had turned such that he had his back facing me.

...and then, he started walking away, slowly and without a sound.

i was tempted to call out his name when he started to go, but i held back knowing that even if i did, he wouldn't turn around for me. so i just looked as he trodded away to where i don't know. i looked until i got so familiar with his back, until the distance ate him up, until he faded and became one with the horizon.

i had this dream and, in less than a year, it became real. tsk. maybe i'm clairvoyant or something.

i never thought it would really happen but it did, anyway. a painful deja vu, it was. without a word, he was good as gone. things got complicated, our friendship got ruined, and i never got to find out why he had to go in the first place. eventhough i was left free, i was also left confused. perhaps, that's what hurt me most.

i remember a lot -- from the first text message he sent me more than five years ago to the last one he sent in september, from "Patay..." to "Hmm", from the first "Hi..." to the last "Good night" in Y!M, from the line "sa wakas..." to "see you" when we last met in may, and all the lines in between. they haunt me. i should forget, but i suck at forgetting.

if only things could go back to how they used to be, then i would do things differently. it is clear to me now that our regrets tend to stem from the things we should have done but did not do.

he is scared of me -- this i knew even before he told me so. honestly, it stings like a hard slap on the face. for not denying who i am, i was put on a pedestal i didn't want to be on and, for that, one of the prices i have to pay unwillingly is to live with the threat that he'll see me as someone who'll always be beyond him. it hurts a lot to know that by choosing to be myself, i ended up alienating the very person whom i believed to be my soulmate... but i cannot deny who i am and i cannot choose to be not myself -- i can only be nicer.

how can i convince him now that the pedestal is just an illusion, that we are actually on the same plane, that we belong to the same ground? how can i, when he is there -- there where i cannot see him, where i cannot touch him, where i can barely feel him (if, indeed, i still do feel him at all)? the horizon he faded into is out of my reach and i don't know if there is still anything that i can do to change the way things are... but i still think of him. fondly... because i loved him. i love him still. i think i will forever do. geez, i'm so pathetic. (i just gave my friends a reason to disown me. ha ha)

maybe someday he'll emerge from the horizon. maybe someday he'll come around again to give me a friendly shove and say, "ikaw gyud, madrama ra kaayo ka." then, i'll have to playfully shove him back and we'll both be laughing like silly high school kids.

maybe there won't be that someday at all.

tsk. i should have dreamt of winning the lottery instead. if only i had known... i would have been filthy rich by now. he he.

Friday, December 23, 2005


23.23: because a 23-year old shares some things on the 23rd day of the month...

>> the 17th of december was my last day as a 22-year old and here are the highlights of that day:

looking for my research logbook
owing to "thesis my quest (to follow that star...hahaha)," i'm expected to work on my thesis while i'm home for the holidays. however, the very thing i needed to bring home with me to do just that, I LOST. argh!

my research logbook is (was?) where i write (wrote?) down all my thesis-related thoughts and i realized it was missing the day before i was set to fly out of manila. argh!!! all is not lost, however, thanks to my 'OC-ness'! i still have with me softcopies of my data files and some reference materials. i can build things up again from what are left. still, the research logbook that i've been writing on for almost two years now is MIA (as in missing in action) and that really hurts! experimental details... calculations... databank... wawaaaa...

part of me is really still hoping that i would find it again. i must.

purchasing a monitor
last october, i wrote about my laptop going bonkers. i also shared that i was able to fix it. unfortunately, my gadget must really be possessed with unknown spirits. it went bonkers again and refused to allow me to see the display. i gave up fixing it on my own and brought it to the repair center where it was diagnosed with a busted LCD. pooof! since i don't want to spend a fortune on having the LCD replaced and since i don't want to part ways with my laptop just yet, the solution i thought of was to have an external monitor.

as a birthday gift to myself, i purchased a monitor.

ladies and gentlemen, my laptop is now a compact desktop platform that functions as a CPU and keyboard and mouse and modem and etcetera all-in-one (everything but the display!). ha ha!

ay shucks! i can't bring my laptop just about anywhere anymore. hu hu.

painting in starmall
there's a "let's paint" booth there in starmall that sells pre-designed plasters of paris. one can either choose to buy the already painted ones or pay for the bare plasters and then paint. my friend yoni and i, artistically inclined people that we are, spent almost 3 hours painting our respective blocks of plaster. we actually took pictures of our works using our phones but i couldn't share the pics just yet because i currently don't have access to an IR reader. i'll just share more about this painting activity (and the pictures) in a future article. ;-)

>> i turned 23 in manila but i was able to spend most of my 23rd birthday in mindanao and with the comfort of my family, as planned. hehehe. for that, i'm immensely grateful. i was able to watch peter jackson's king kong, too!

i would like to say thank you to the following people who greeted me: ate riza, jerms, ayn, papang, mamang, vl, nikki, sealdi, yoni, shella, anne-anne, naoms, tita emie, haidee, tita binbin, rose marie and ilian, johncy, blue, jezer, tiffany and jericho, lorie, bau, tita yenyen, kuyang, rainman, michi, ivan, chi, kuya eli, wynn, benjie, edson, micmic, ann, iris, joyce, sir ian, dumay, jp, randy, haniko, kurt, ducay, loublanc, babypink, kars, ayeza, ate pie, sir rodion, and kuya richard.

to all those who forgot and conveniently forgot, i dedicate to you my personal favorite among all the pics i took of my 22-year old self:

cute naman ako ah! (ha ha!)

>> my first appearance in a social gathering as a 23-year old was the wedding of my friends, jerk and tiff, who got married on the 21st day of december. i got dolled up for the occasion, my hair was swept up, and i even wore a nice sleeveless long dress!

from left to right: the wedding kiss, the wedding entourage (one of those very rare moments when our barkada can be labelled 'itsurang tawo!' hehehe)

not only was i part of the pair that put the cord around the couple during the wedding ceremony, i also became one of the emcees during the wedding reception.

yeah, i know. me?! a wedding emcee?! honestly, i never thought i could do it. i never thought it was possible but i was thrown into the duty IMPROMPTU when nobody else among our barkada was willing to. i didn't actually have the heart to disappoint my friends and ruin the great day by refusing, so i relented and everyone felt relieved and happy.

yeah, when nobody else wants to, and if we're good friends, there's a good chance that i can be convinced to be your wedding reception emcee for free, hehehe... (just make sure you have your preferred spiels ready if you want me to do things 'your way'. ha ha.)

>> ouch ha! parang andaming super importante sa 'kin ang nawala this year. sobrang pagsubok itetch. ouch ouch talaga. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO...

i know and really still believe that i'm still so blessed! weeeeeeeeeeeeeee... whatever happens, there's always a bright patch. every day's a brand new sky, after all. i'm definitely going to buy my dreams with all my todays and all my tomorrows. todo risk-taking na!

therefore, to hell with suckers. ha ha.

>> merry christmas and happy new year, everyone!!! ;-) i leave you with this face...

aye, that's my niece!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

love me, hate me, or just sue me

Lelaina: I was really gonna be something by the age of 23.
Troy: Honey, the only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.
Lelaina: I don’t know who that is anymore.

-- lines from that 1994 movie, Reality Bites

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Saturday, December 10, 2005

my 2005 movie list

who me? a movie addict? nah. that's rubbish. that's very, very rubbish.

want me to prove my point? check out my 2005 movie list (a.k.a. movies i've watched on the big screen this year):

january - panaghoy sa suba, kung fu hustle, ocean's twelve, meet the fockers, blade trinity

february - a very long engagement, phantom of the opera

march -

april - miss congeniality 2, robots, guess who (blech!), closer, sahara, the wedding date, the interpreter

may - kingdom of heaven, star wars episode iii: the revenge of the sith (thrice: different cinemas, different days, different buddies)

june - sin city, shutter, mr. and mrs. smith, madagascar, batman begins

july - hotel rwanda, fantastic four, pinoy blonde

august - charlie and the chocolate factory

september - great raid, sky high, the truth about love, cinderella man, sound of thunder

october - transporter 2, a history of violence, the corpse bride, lord of war (twice: different cinemas, different days, different buddies), the 40-year old virgin

november - flightplan, harry potter and the goblet of fire

december - ang pagdadalaga ni maximo oliveros, just like heaven

i can't believe the month of march has no entry! i must have forgotten a movie-watching session somehow; it seems so inconsistent with the other months and it just doesn't seem right.

methinks my list of movies-seen-on-the-big-screen for this year will end with just like heaven. king kong, the chronicles of narnia: the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, memoirs of a geisha, superman returns, pirates of the carribean 2, ice age 2, x-men 3, vendetta... will tempt me this coming 2006.

on second thought, maybe i'll get to watch king kong this year.

again, who me? a movie addict? i already told you, that's rubbish! that's very, very rubbish. hahahaaah... oh yeah!

addendum: i was able to watch the movie constantine early this year. maybe i watched it last march.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

pagdadalaga and overspending

yesterday was supposed to be just another saturday but, no, things didn't turn out that way.

friday became saturday for me without me getting any sleep. cinema buddy's saturday started out bad, she being so tired and sick from her trip and having had to survive a ride on a taxi driven by a bad-ass driver. eventhough our day didn't start off right and both of us were in dire need of sleep and it was even drizzling late yesterday afternoon, cinema buddy and i still hied off to the movie house to watch ang pagdadalaga ni maximo oliveros, a local film so raved about that we couldn't afford to forego seeing it. our attitude for the day was 'to hell with sleeping!'

just as well. the movie didn't disappoint. sure, i have some complaints with the lighting and the panning, but the plot and the material were so nicely dealt with -- everything seemed so real. the actors played their respective roles so well, it was easy to relate with their characters. over-all, the movie was good, amusing and entertaining -- i forgot about being so sleepy and laughed my heart out instead during the comic twists. don't get me wrong, the movie isn't exactly a comedy. so as not to give so much spoilers, let me just say that the movie is more than just an amusing tale of the coming-of-age of a boy who is truly a beautiful girl at heart; it is also a movie of life and struggles in an urban-jungle community where crime is the accepted way of life even for loving fathers and protective brothers. both sadness and happiness are depicted on the film, and the young actor who played maximo's so convincingly soft and feminine, i can't help but envy the way he swayed his hips as he navigated through the narrow alleys in the neighborhood which he calls home.

watching pagdadalaga successfully shooed away our sleepiness that after the movie, cinema buddy and i weren't compelled to go back straight to the dorm to hit our respective beds, and we decided to feed our hungry mouths instead. we had wanted to eat at tokyo tokyo but the line of people waiting for their turn to order scared our tummies. we then decided to have a yellow cab saturday -- and this is where our overspending story comes in...

at this point, i just have to share what my father keeps reminding me: "every centavo we have, we worked hard for. we don't have much money to spend, so always be careful with your spending. when it comes to food though, be kind to yourself; do not hesitate to spend."

when it comes to food, do not hesitate to spend. cinema buddy and i took this to heart. by the time we finished paying for the things we ordered (one box of whole pizza plus a box of chicken wings plus two good-for-two bottles of iced tea), we realized that we're left with only 14 pesos and 50 centavos!!! goodness! the minimum fare (for one person) from sm north to the campus is 10 pesos! in between our crazy laughter, we sort of panicked and asked ourselves, 'how in the world are we going to go back to the dorm?!' she thought of calling up our friends, while i thought of the remote possibility of us finding a ten-peso coin somewhere along our way out of the mall, ha ha ha. with no useful means to access our respective savings accounts, with no other friends in sight, we were left with only 14 pesos and 50 centavos, our money-zapper food, our priceless wits and our equally priceless sense of humor!

our yellow cab feast

money-zapping they may be, we were happy with our yellow cab pizza, our chicken wings and our bottles of iced tea -- nobody can pay for the fulfillment we got from filling our tummies with them. we didn't find the ten-peso coin i thought we would find but we managed to get back to the dorm without wounding our pride -- we didn't beg passers-by for our fare; we didn't put our dignity on the line. our wits and wicked sense of humor saved us from our recklessness and gave us a night so full of laughter we'd surely not forget. we hailed for a taxi and told the driver to drive us to the campus. i was so amused with the situation that we had gotten into, i kept on laughing all throughout the ride. when we finally got back to the dorm, i rushed to my room to grab some money for fare while cinema buddy remained inside the taxi cab to serve as 'collateral', ha ha ha ha!!!!

p.s. (1) let's do math the easy way: cinema buddy = the volcano = the collateral. Q.E.D. (2) sealdz, how did we become so demented? hehehe (3) just like heaven is the other film i watched on the big screen this weekend. my primary reason for watching it? mark ruffalo.

Friday, December 02, 2005

bisdak-s in the city

hala ka doh. dear diary jud kaayo ni. kung tapulan ka mobasa, ayaw na lang jud basa.

ako na jud sa busy kaayo og kalag (char!). murag all over the place ra kaayo akong drama. niadtong miaging biyernes, gikan diliman, nakaabot kog bicutan, taguig ako ra isa. naa koy gilakad nga butang nga naa jud tawon kalambigitan sa akong kaugmaon. hinuon, dili man to nako first time moadto didto nga ako ra isa. bisan talawan kaayo ko ug grabe akong pagka-talakitoks (kung motukar), maayo man ko maglaroy-laroy nga walay kuyog. ako pah! tapos from bicutan, nibalik kog diliman to attend to my duties (pagkabam!). boring? wala pa ko nahuman, okay. relaks lang bay. nanukad pa lang ko...

adtong done na ko sa akong duties for the day and medyo pangitngit na, nibiya na pud kog diliman ug akong gidala akong self didto sa shangri-la plaza sa mandaluyong. niadto ko didto kay naa didto naghulat akong gwapa nga amiga ug tulo mi kabuok nag-abot didto kay bisitaon namo among cook nga nagsakit. sosyal among cook (dili jud basta basta kay naa gud syay foreign accent, valedictorian pa jud sa high school). busa adtong nagsakit siya, nagpa-admit jud siya didto sa hotel... este... sa medical city. kami na jud sa akong mga gwapa nga amiga sa mga mobisita kay wala jud mi nagdalidali. nag-kaon-kaon, nag-tabi-tabi ug nag-lakaw-lakaw pa mi sa may pasig before mi nakasakay og taxi padulong sa medical city a.k.a. hotel nga hospital. okey ra biya among cook, dengue ra man iyang sakit (aaaay! medyo kulba pud biya diay) pero kelangan lang jud niyag moral support (charrus!) and show of concern from her trusted friends (ahem ahem).

after sa among hospital-slash-hotel visit and after nakakaon kog persimmon (ha, dili na jud ko igno og persimmon kay katilaw na jud ko!), nangadto mi sa akong mga gwapa nga amiga sa watering hole didto sa shangri-la, mandaluyong for another all-girls night out (kami na jud!). nalingaw mi sa among gipang-order na san mig light and tequila sunrise. hehehe, mura mig kinsang mga korek. adtong napul-an nami didto sa watering hole (kay nahurot na among mga gipang-order), nangadto mi sa malate. wait! wala mi nag-malate para magpadayon og inom or what, nangadto mi didto para matulog didto sa condo unit sa akong amiga. hapit one o'clock mi naka-abot sa malate pero sa sobraan namo katabian, alas-tres sa kadlawon nami nakatulog. kami na jud sa mga daghan ikapagarpar, bahalag makulangan og tulog basta makatabi lang. kay mga tabian lagi! ana jud tingali pag puro bisaya mag-abot. pagkabuntag, nanguli nami sa among tagsa tagsa ka ginasak-an. taymsa ha, dili pa end of story. dili pah. ingon biya ko nga taas ni...

so, di ba, from malate nibalik kog diliman (to attend to my duties again, charrus). tapos, pagkahapon kay nagkuyog mi ni volcano padulong sa gateway didto sa cubao para makigkita sa among kaubang bisdak nga si jory. ang plano man jud adto kay magkitakita ang mga manila-based bisaya bloggers pero kay kami ra man ang ever-present sa mga kitakits, kami rang tulo ang nag-abot. nag-food trip na sab mi!

among first stop (after checking out digital cameras on display in gateway) kay ang hotshots sa araneta area; nanglibre si jory og burgers and fries. tungod kay pare-pareho man ming mga hayok sa camera ug mahilig magpicture-picture, gikuhaan jud namog hulagway among gi-order ug ang among mga selves. kay kailangan jud lagi i-document ang laag...

from hotshots, niadto mi sa nearby ice monster and ordered three cups of our chosen flavors. lingaw kaayo mi sa among gibuhat. samot pa ming ka-happy adtong na-realize namong tulo nga pare-pareho diay mig dream destination dire sa pilipinas: batanes!

over cups of ice treats, we became instant future-batanes-trip-buddies. amo jud giplano kung kanus-a mi mangadto up north. among aim kay at the age of 23, dapat makatunob na jud mi sa batanes. abi jud nako nga ako ray excited kaayo mag-batanes. juice mio, mas excited ang jory! gusto niya insigida, "now na!", ora mismo manglupad naming tulo pa-batanes. unsaon?! pero siyempre, kelangan pugngan ang excitement sa bata, kay unsaon na lang, di ba?

from ice monster, ningsulod mig balik sa gateway para i-check ang screening sked sa mga salida kay basin diay maengganyo ming manan-aw og sine (pagka--- na lang jud namo!). medyo wala man mi na-excite sa mga salida nga showing kay kita naman mi sa latest harry potpot starring the visually yummy cedric diggory and the stunning viktor krum, so ning-proceed mi sa next item sa among itinerary (ehehehe, itinerary sa among hunahuna ra gud) --- tan-aw og concert didto sa may e. rodriguez! take note ha, nag-change mig venue... from gateway, ningsakay mig taxi para padulong didto sa e. rodriguez to watch a free concert.

samtang nagbiyahe mi padulong e. rodriguez, gikanta jud namo ang 'most requested song' in visayas and mindanao... ang 'people stay'! syempre, pare-pareho ming bisdak nga nagdako sa northern part of mindanao, so kabisado jud namo ang tono sa kanta... hahahah

people stay in cagayan, cagayan park view hotel...
in the middle of the city, you'll sleep like a baby...
i like to stay in cagayan... park view hotel!!!

aaaaay, naa pud diay mi trip nga bag-ong kanta nakuha from the concert, ang maka-LSS nga 'dzyey'.

dzyey don't know that i come running home when i fall down...
dzyey don't know who picks me up when no one is around...

hahaha, grabeng yaga-yaga. after sa concert, wala mi kabalo kung unsa among sunod buhaton. half-hearted mi mouli, half-hearted sab mi magpadayon og laag kay hapit naman to alas-onse. sa among pagkawalay klaro, nakabalik na lang mig gateway, wala pa mi ka-decide kung unsa ba jud. ningsulod mig 7eleven. naghinanggatay mi nga mangaon na sab, pero pare-pareho ra sab ming nangdecline. naghinanggatay sab mig inom, pero pare-pareho ra sab ming nibalibad. mag-greenbelt daw aron change na pud og venue, pero wala ra pud nadayon. kami na jud sa mga wala kasabot sa among mga gusto. so, nagdecide na lang mi nga manguli. 'okey, manguli na ta. manguli na jud ta' but noooooooooooooooo....

nakakita mig pagkaon sa bread talk og nakakita sab mig starbucks, so nakalimot na hinuon mi nga manguli na diay mi. ang ending, instead na mangatang na unta mig sakyanan pauli, nisulod mig starbucks, nag-order og 2 cups of frappucino and 1 cup of tea tapos niadto mi sa bread talk aron mokaon og higante nga pan.

pag pare-parehong mga laagan og tabian jud lagi nga mga bisdak ang mag-uban... lingaw to the max jud!

still photos from the making of 'handumanan sa usa ka awit' the movie
featuring the song 'people stay' (with 'dzyey' as bonus track), hahaha

pagka-ugma, wala pa mi sumhi og lakaw-lakaw, nag-abot na sab ming tulo! mura pud mig wala pa sumhi sa among mga dagway, sige lang mig kitakita. nangadto mi sa warehouse sale sa national bookstore ug nagkugi jud tawon mig pangukay sa mga kalibrohan didto sa pioneer st., mandaluyong. (kay mga book-lovers lagi!!!) tapos, bisan sobraan na mi kakapoy sa among kabuang, gipahimuslan jud namo ang mrt og lrt 3 kay libre man ang rides. from boni station, niadto mig cubao station para motunob sa AMOANG gateway ug magpakabusog (kaon na sab!), tapos sakay sa lrt 3 aka purple line aron monaog sa gilmore. grabe na. kami na jud sa mga nangitag lingaw. pati railway transpo gi-trip-an!

adtong monday kay holiday man, so niadto kog alabang aron manimpalad ug mag-invest sa future sa pilipinas (ahem ahem, walay moangal, maabilidad biya ko). tapos kagabii kay nakaabot kog san pedro, laguna kay ningkuyog ko sa akong amahan para bisitaon iyang cute nga apo nga cute nako nga pag-umangkon. from laguna, nibyahe mi pabalik metro manila ug natulog mi sa makati, tapos kaganinang buntag nibalik na sab ko sa diliman.

lakawana jud nako oi. ako na jud! in fairness, wala pa pud baya ko nalipong. hala ka, ugma kay weekend na sab...

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