"a caterpillar doesn't just grow into a butterfly. a caterpillar must undergo metamorphosis, and a cocoon is where a caterpillar risks it all: enters total chaos, undergoes total rebuilding, and is born to a new way of living. only in taking the risk of entering that inert cocoon can the caterpillar go from dormancy to potency, from ugliness to beauty."

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

less is more.... maybe


we in my immediate family are not touchy-feely people and it's right to say that we don't wear our hearts on our sleeves. sure, we miss one another and keep our communication lines open but except for "take care and God bless always" we usually avoid talks of sweetness and mush. when we find ourselves together, we're warm and happy but we're seldom (if not at all) seen in a hug or anything like that... i'd like to think that we love one another silently and discreetly. we openly talk about our bad feelings and vent out our frustrations (sometimes to the point of arguing or, worse, fighting!) but we tend to keep the good ones and those that light up our very hearts to ourselves. i don't know what will really change all that. i wish to...

last week, i received an e-mail from my father. it's been a long time since i last received an e-mail from him and i was a bit surprised that he took time to send me one; just disregard the fact that it was a forwarded e-mail. i knew why he sent it. he just wanted to make me feel remembered. the top most part of the message said: "teng, please read this and take care always. papang."

even with those few words, i felt my worth in his life. i was very grateful for his e-mail eventhough receiving it made me feel a little bit uncomfortable. it's weird that i should feel uncomfortable, i know. not really quite knowing what to reply, i decided to e-mail him about our group's R&D win -- something that got announced last december but my family didn't know of... because i didn't tell them. (even though i openly talk about the places that i go to and the companies that i keep, i'm notorious at home for keeping people in the dark when it comes to my activities -- good or bad, better or worse, best or worst. my family's usually the last to know that i did this and i did that. in fact, they don't know about this blog. so ssssssshhhhh.)

i figured my papang deserved some delightful news from me and not my standard boredom-inducing "buhi pa ko" (i'm still alive) statement, so i told him my stale news. as expected, he congratulated me. he wrote very briefly that he's proud of me. instead of acknowledging his congratulations, i pointed out that he misunderstood some things i said in the e-mail (he really did misunderstand some things!) and i proceeded to make things clear. i wrote a few lines of probably senseless blah blah blahs without commenting nor reacting on his congratulations. i know, i know... my head's really ought to be hit by a hammer.

my papang's reply ?

"regardless... basta, just remember i'm very proud of you."

...and our exchange ended right there. i knew in my heart i'd end up starting an argument over something good if i dared to contest that one. regardless is such a powerful word. i didn't know... until papang used it on me.


"no. it can't be," i thought as i made my usual way to the catwalk. with catwalk, i mean the usually deserted hallway that i pass through almost daily on my way to the research lab. it was monday morning and the hallway leading to our labroom was dark -- it meant only one thing: another power outage. tut. tut. no power. no experiments. uhm, no work until brownout's over. no work? argh. (call me abnormal, i don't care.)

tough luck. the labrat in me was hungry for action that couldn't just be there. just when i decided to welcome monday morning with zest to do things that need to be done, i got welcomed by darkness in the lab. no light, no aircon, no internet, no computer to fiddle with, no equipment that could be run. i should have seen it coming: our building's been experiencing at least one power outage every week since late april for reasons the "experts" couldn't exactly pin-point and fix.


clark kent. superman. kal-el. clark kent. superman. kal-el. clark kent. superman. kal-el. clark k...

1 comment:

  1. i feel the same way with my dad. My parents are both close to me - depende sad sa pangayoon. hehehe.. Pero im more mushy with my mom. i can talk about her how depressed or happy i am. Mama always say mushy things to me, like you pray, ingat ka, words that really comfort my moody heart.

    As for dad, i wonder if he prays for us. I think he does. I don't know if he thinks for us every single moment. when he's away for days or weeks. unlike mothers who always do think about us always.

    I can't explain much his ways of caring and loving us. he's more of our provider, a security guard, a peacemaker or a judge. not the lover or caretaker type.

    Once when i had a dysmenorrhea, he asked me. "What can i do? Gusto mo timpla tika ug gatas?" In that moment, I changed my outlook to him, he does take care of me pala. Hindi lang sila showy.

    But our dads will be always dads. They love us! ;-)

    sorry nagblog ako dito...

    ooops! We haven't exchanged the magic words "I love you" and " I love you too". ikaw? hehehe


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