"a caterpillar doesn't just grow into a butterfly. a caterpillar must undergo metamorphosis, and a cocoon is where a caterpillar risks it all: enters total chaos, undergoes total rebuilding, and is born to a new way of living. only in taking the risk of entering that inert cocoon can the caterpillar go from dormancy to potency, from ugliness to beauty."

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

who's not misunderstood?

"A good pun is its own reword."
--Author Unknown

i am not classy. i am not flashy. to people who are quite clueless of who i am, i am timid. i am dull. i am humorless. i am boring. i sometimes get the impression that people are inclined to believe that i have no right to shine. well, sometimes, i like them to forever think of me that way. i get to think that people who don't right away recognize my worth have no business getting friendly with me. therefore, the little that i have to do with them, the better. so what if they want to believe that i have a pitiful one-tracked mind?

i am misunderstood. i feel i always am. this is why i have the tendency to be ready with explanations for my actions even when i have no wish to explain at all.

from time to time, i express that i don't want to work. i feel people misunderstand every time i say that especially since i don't bother to explain. when i say i don't want to work, this is not to say that i don't value labor. this is not to say that i am lazy. when i say i don't want to work, i mean i don't want to work for the money. i don't want to work to be part of the rat race and i certainly don't want to succumb to work that is routine. i don't want to work and, in the process, compromise those that i hold dear -- no sir, no ma'am, not even if it pays lotsa lotsa money. i hold on to a set of values which i don't want to be rattled by work (and i have my pride, too. *winks*)

just because i can beat the guys at their game(s) and don't buy their pathetic half-hearted advances doesn't mean that i am a manhater. tsk, that's something that i often get accused of. i don't like that but i won't take this time to rat on and on to defend myself. time (yours and mine) must not be wasted.

i misunderstood.

the other day, a mentor told me via email that the scientific paper, which we are co-authors of, finally got accepted in an international publication. i thought he was just being mean and sarcastic because he got tired of waiting for me to turn in the other paper that i was tasked to write. to avoid unnecessary conflict, i did not reply to his email and tried not to think about feeling bad the entire day. i thought i could get away with the bad feeling.

yesterday morning, my adviser talked to me and mentioned the accepted paper. at the back of my mind, i had this thought: "oh, shit. nightmare ito. he's that determined to make me finally turn in my paper, nagsumbong na talaga siya kay sir (my adviser)?" i went honest about it. i told my adviser about the status of my write-up, that i'm confused, that i'm still working things out.

later in the afternoon, i realized i made my adviser confused, if not weirded out by the things i said. the paper i was talking about and the paper he was talking about're two different papers! i was talking about "my guilt and my bane" and he was talking about "my blessing". no wonder he had the look of "huh? what in the world??" written all over his face while we were conversing. he must have thought i've gone bonkers.

haaaay. i clearly misunderstood. woe to me. i secretly (i never told anyone about the email i received, only now) allowed myself to feel bad over something that i should feel proud and happy about.

i feel ashamed for thinking that a mentor was out to make me pay for not yet turning in the other paper. (see what guilt can do! tsk, naulaw jud ko.) even if he's not aware of what i thought when i received his mail, i feel guilty for the way i felt and thought. shame on me. shame on my thoughts.

i misunderstood. i misunderstood.

7 comments:

  1. mura kag si chicken little. :D

    it is encouraging to know that there are still individuals who are brave enough to choose the road that is less traveled.

    hoy. put on some weight na oi. basi mapalid na ka.

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  2. On your first few paragraphs, they remind me of my B's present situation in relation to her college.

    I suppose we all share the same experiences at times.

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  3. congrats lang gihapon... akong thesis adviser pud dati sige pamugos na magapply pud for international publication. kapoy baya, dili lalim ba, no?

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  4. gwapo_na_baktin, i'm chuckling at the thought of chicken little...

    "I shall be telling this with a sigh
    Somewhere ages and ages hence:
    Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
    I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference." by lolo robert frost

    ...oh yes, i'm putting in effort to gain pounds.

    ripplemaker, yep, i also believe that we all go through it...

    babypink, anonymous, kars, zork, thanks a lot.

    at least i'm getting somewhere, and learning and gaining those i didn't think of before i got into what i'm into now. medyo labo ba?

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