"a caterpillar doesn't just grow into a butterfly. a caterpillar must undergo metamorphosis, and a cocoon is where a caterpillar risks it all: enters total chaos, undergoes total rebuilding, and is born to a new way of living. only in taking the risk of entering that inert cocoon can the caterpillar go from dormancy to potency, from ugliness to beauty."

Sunday, May 29, 2005

mixed emotions

9:40 pm. ayala avenue.

him: see you on june 7?
me: uh huh, we'll have june 7. i'll show up.
him: take care. text me when you're home.
me: yup. you, too.

then, i boarded the bus. destination: diliman and my feeling of loss.

the rewind...
around 6:15 pm. prince plaza ii in ayala.


there was structure, there was him, there was me. there, too, was the faint sound from the aircon and the sound from the tv -- peeeeee beeeeeee eeeeeey... astig!

aha! basketball. that's just one of the many things that could bring us together. my story isn't about basketball though.

structure: (to me) has he told you?
me: told me what? nobody tells me anything these days. i'm always left to find out on my own.
him: (expressionless) she does not know yet.

i looked at him quizzically, expecting he would spill but he only gave me that smile which i know so well and i went thinking, "he knows something i don't and, this time, he can't tell me." so i turned to structure...

structure: (to me) i hope you don't feel bad.
me: feel bad about what?
structure: he's getting married.
me: oh.

he's getting married at 24?! oh boy, oh boy. i heard it right and structure wasn't joking -- he loves me so much, he can't play with my emotions that way. the news was... well, i was happy and i was sad all at once; i can't exactly name how i felt but i managed to smile.

me: (smiling) since when did you know?
structure: may 14.
me: oh.

since may 14? and nobody bothered to tell me?! that's when realization hit home -- they tried to protect me. then, i knew.

i knew that it's time to finally really accept what i came to realize two years ago... the boy i grew up with, gone he is...

...and on june 7, i'll be meeting his would-be-wife. i can see the picture now. there will be structure, there will be him, there will be me, and there will be her. there, too, will be the memories that i hold dear.

i am happy for my brother. i will try not to cry.

12 comments:

  1. ...it's like meeting the man of your dreams and meeting his beautiful wife... and isn't it ironic... don't you think?

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  2. grrr.. kaw na jud sa suspense. hmmm.. maybe we should make a movie.. you do the script, i'll be directing. hehehe. =)

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  3. kuya miggs, hehehe... how about if both of us will do the script and we'll be co-directors? (",)

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  4. your posts lately has put me at the edge of my seat, hahaha

    sabi nga nila you when someone in your family weds you dont lose a brother instead you gain another member, with you its another sister.

    wow june wedding.. best wishes for your brother!

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  5. i knew there was a catch somewhere.:)

    congrats to your brother.:)

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  6. nice piece val. you write with a flair of a novelist. cheers.

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  7. Wow, I am just saying that your blog is just so interesting and it is nice to see a different style for each day, but all keeping within the same frame work or world, which is just a nice one. I just wonder if your mouth sore is okay, and it is neat your one photo looks like the lochness monster.
    orch

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  8. lochness monster, hahaha! i don't know which one you're referring to but i'm chuckling just thinking about it. orch, which one?

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  9. today is the day, inday. good luck na lang gyud sa imoa kang bataa ka... :D

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  10. hoist.kulba jud ka mosulat noh.oi gudlak sa tanan!

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  11. Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

    I have a Cold Sore Treatment site/blog. It pretty much covers Cold Sore related stuff.

    Come and check it out if you get time :-)

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  12. Searching for small cell lung cancer treatment and information I found this post. I totally agree with you and think it takes time!

    ReplyDelete

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