mixed emotions

9:40 pm. ayala avenue.

him: see you on june 7?
me: uh huh, we'll have june 7. i'll show up.
him: take care. text me when you're home.
me: yup. you, too.

then, i boarded the bus. destination: diliman and my feeling of loss.

the rewind...
around 6:15 pm. prince plaza ii in ayala.

there was structure, there was him, there was me. there, too, was the faint sound from the aircon and the sound from the tv -- peeeeee beeeeeee eeeeeey... astig!

aha! basketball. that's just one of the many things that could bring us together. my story isn't about basketball though.

structure: (to me) has he told you?
me: told me what? nobody tells me anything these days. i'm always left to find out on my own.
him: (expressionless) she does not know yet.

i looked at him quizzically, expecting he would spill but he only gave me that smile which i know so well and i went thinking, "he knows something i don't and, this time, he can't tell me." so i turned to structure...

structure: (to me) i hope you don't feel bad.
me: feel bad about what?
structure: he's getting married.
me: oh.

he's getting married at 24?! oh boy, oh boy. i heard it right and structure wasn't joking -- he loves me so much, he can't play with my emotions that way. the news was... well, i was happy and i was sad all at once; i can't exactly name how i felt but i managed to smile.

me: (smiling) since when did you know?
structure: may 14.
me: oh.

since may 14? and nobody bothered to tell me?! that's when realization hit home -- they tried to protect me. then, i knew.

i knew that it's time to finally really accept what i came to realize two years ago... the boy i grew up with, gone he is...

...and on june 7, i'll be meeting his would-be-wife. i can see the picture now. there will be structure, there will be him, there will be me, and there will be her. there, too, will be the memories that i hold dear.

i am happy for my brother. i will try not to cry.