from my pen and paper to cyberspace

i said out loud you're no longer the one i long for, but my emotions don't say so. everytime a picture of you floats before my closed eyes, i am fighting a battle against myself -- part of me lets go of your memory, part of me holds on. it's something i have to live with right now. i don't like fighting against myself because it leaves me drained, but with the way i feel for you, i have no choice.

but i have to move on. i can't go on like this. i can't be waiting for you the whole time. i can't continue fighting back tears everytime i see you standing right before me and regret the day i unintentionally drove you away. this is crazy because everytime you're there, i feel a stab of pain and nobody else knows that i'm fighting for something i have no right to win. your heart won't be mine and i'm not gonna go begging for it because if love chooses us, then it comes, and it'll be us. until then...

too bad, you didn't welcome me when i walked in. maybe you got so used to watching me from afar that you failed to see, maybe you didn't know, and maybe i dreamed and hoped too much.

now that i'm walking out, maybe you don't see, maybe you still don't know, maybe you refuse to... and that's too bad, too.

-- a consequence of the first heartbreak, 04-05-2003