run to the water... and find me there

"It's because I like you, I don't want to be with you.
It's a complicated emotion."
-- Marlin, Finding Nemo

this post's alternate title should read: sa maka-relate lang

"if i fall from grace here with you, would you leave me, too?"
-- from Smashing Pumpkins' Galapogos

my friends are going through heart-related troubles these days. i, as a friend, am a pendulum swinging from being cynical and sarcastic about their situations ("and why should he miss you???") to being optimistically sympathetic ("carry on. soon, there will be joy..."). on and on...

ever proud, ever optimistic me -- i try not to be affected by their stories and i refuse to think about my own heart being black and blue. no, not my shamelessly tenacious heart. i've sheltered it so it is safe.

but sh*t just happens, right?

i remain in my safety bubble -- happy, blissful -- imagining myself to be no different from the girl who sits on the shore, walks through the water to run after a school of fish, cups saltwater with her hands, plays with the sand with her toes, flirts with the breeze, giggling, untroubled, unhurt. with that, i get ahead in life. oh, yes, i get ahead.

but words and thoughts and melodies float in the air like dandelion puffs do. they find their way into the safety bubble and stir an otherwise already peaceful heart into restlessness.

"let me out... let me speak..."

no. i'm not ready for the insane flood of senti-babble... i listen but i refuse to write down the words. i take time and become aware how bad it is to want to express something and still be trapped. so i relent. i write things down... write... erase... write... erase... and then i end up quoting that old song by ambrosia which has been lulling me to sleep...

Oh, what's the matter baby?
Is the truth too hard to hear
Well, I think you know I'm not the one who lied
And now it's all behind us
And we both play out our lives
But the years don't change the way I feel inside
[reason says, "pwede malumos?"]

So we play the game out
Though it feels the same now
Are you missin' me?
[reason says, "asa pa ba?"]

Well now, baby just be aware
Of how much I still care
Oh, I need your love

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You're part of me that I just can't let go

Well, tell me somethin' baby
Is there still some thing inside
To remind you of the way it used to be?
And how the years have rolled by
Still there's somethin' I must say
No one ever could have loved you more than me
[reason says, "as the sister would say, 'ka-feeler oi!' "]

So I'm passin' time now
Wishin' you were mine now
Are you missin' me?

Well you know it's not too late
Oh, how long must I wait
Oh, to hear you say

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You're part of me that I just can't let go

And I need your love
Everywhere I go there's a memory
If you can't decide on me
Well you gotta make up your mind
Someday you're gonna find
You just might need me
[reason says, "hehe, kay libre mag-ilusyon"]

Well now, baby just be aware
Of how much I still care
Oh, I need your love

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You're part of me that I just can't let go

in an attempt to thwart this yet another public display of "madness", reason comes by, hauling in pride by the neck -- howling: remember, remember? -- but it is too late. both reason and pride be damned. this time, like it was in other times gone by and like it will be in future times, my temporarily emboldened heart wins. if there's no objection, i'm gonna go and feed it some valium now...

so, i go back to thinking about my friends' troubles. buying them ice cream won't do the trick -- i just know so. could something else be done except to go through it all and beat time?

on a related note, according to khalil gibran, sorrow is joy unmasked. if joy and sorrow are inseparable, then it can also be said that joy is sorrow unmasked.(?) life then is a cycle of unmaskings?

soon, sorrow will be unmasked... and there'll be joy. see? i'm that optimistic and i try to infect my friends with it.