"a caterpillar doesn't just grow into a butterfly. a caterpillar must undergo metamorphosis, and a cocoon is where a caterpillar risks it all: enters total chaos, undergoes total rebuilding, and is born to a new way of living. only in taking the risk of entering that inert cocoon can the caterpillar go from dormancy to potency, from ugliness to beauty."

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

life's not always a picnic BUT...

"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want,
it is the realization of how much you already have."

...where there are friends, there's fun and so much more!


10.28.2007 p6peeps' get-together in taguig



10.28.2007 p6peeps' balut attack



11.24.2007 p6peeps' makati night



11.24.2007 early christmas spirit



11.25.2007 out on a sunday



11.25.2007 trip mo ba 'to?

by the way, here's launching my singing and dancing career, hehe. just follow the link.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

thoughts from an old notebook and an update

"All who have meditated on the art of governing mankind have been convinced that the fate of the empires
depends on the youth."

-- Aristotle


october 2007. cam-whoring with friends

when i left iligan for the nth time, i brought with me one of my old notebooks. i browsed through the pages and saw the smorgasbord of items i've written down so far. these items are basically quotes or thoughts i've jotted down while paying attention to other people...

to be a hero, you don't have to die or be assassinated. you just have to give your best.

it does not matter how small or big the thing you do is; what matters is that you do it even if it goes unnoticed.

wherever you are, whatever you do, you are a missionary.

"ang buhay na hindi inalay sa dakilang layunin ay tulad ng isang puno na walang lilim." -- emilio jacinto

let that beautiful span speak to you. sit there quietly and let God speak to you.

can you speak in a language that the man on the street can understand?

you are born to live. if you don't live, shame on you!

leadership by example... how we live , the life choices that we make make us who we are.

it is not what i say, it is what i do (that counts). it is the life choices that i make that make me credible.

on a mentor... todo-bigay manalita. he makes things sink in. tumatayo ang balahibo ko everytime i hear him speak -- too few people can get to me like that. he really inspires and moves people. he knows the language of the man on the street.

personal reflection guide: how did my parents educate me?

the person who does not know how to reflect is living an unmeaningful life.

dare to dream. dare to pay the price of your dream or abandon your dream.

the most eloquent speech you can make -- your life!

"sa laking kaguluhan sa paghahanap-buhay, nawala ang dahilan kung bakit nabubuhay."

"there is no word more tragic than the word 'empty' when it's time to go."

i can make my life very beautiful.

learn to hug your kids.

minsan, makulit ang tadhana. ang isang bagay, 'pag para sa 'yo talaga, kahit anong iwas mo, kukulitin ka ng tadhana para tanggapin mo lang ang kung ano ang para sa 'yo talaga.

i fear but i have faith and my faith is greater than my fear.

END of thoughts from an old notebook

quick sharing: i get to realize more and more that God really knows how to bless those who put their trust in Him. it took awhile and a lot of uncertainty and confusion before my prayers got answered but with the way things are happening in my life right now, i can say that every one of them's worth the wait. i asked for patience, He gave me so much more.

i once asked a trusted friend to help me pray and, instead of promising anything, my friend gave me this simple yet very meaningful advice: "just trust in the goodness of God's heart whatever happens."

after going here and there, i'm currently living an adventure in sta. rosa, laguna. i haven't finished processing all the necessary papers yet, but here i am -- bubbling and excited that i'm part of a new company's start-up team. i'm using a brand-new macbook which i get to take home with me everyday. (opening the oh-so-sealed apple box felt like opening a very-much-wanted early christmas present). i'm working for (and with – they’re down to earth) great bosses. i'm back to being a useful slave and i have found new friends and allies in my co-workers.

i don't know yet if this is really the path that will lead me to my dreams BUT here's really, really hoping and looking forward to a downpour of (more) blessings.

wobbly steps first, surefootedness will come after. stay safe, wish, believe, and do well! wish to hear from you.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

oh october

"The most important trip you may take in life
is meeting people halfway."

-- Henry Boye

a look at my octobers definitely says october is a month of trips and travels for me.

october 2004
manila - tagaytay - manila
manila - cagayan de oro - iligan - tangub

october 2005
manila - iloilo - guimaras - iloilo - bacolod - around negros - dumaguete - dapitan - ozamis - iligan - tangub

october 2006
manila - corregidor - manila
manila - cagayan de oro - iligan - davao - samal - davao - iligan - ozamis - tangub

october 2007
the previous years' tradition of having multiple destinations during the month of october -- my kind of oktoberfest, i must say -- shall live on. from here to where? it's a hush!

"It is not down in any map; true places never are."
-- Herman Melville


actually, this is my way of declaring a hiatus. as i have a lot of serious matters to deal with, i'll probably be gone a long time so ta ta. if you need to hear from me, you'll know how to reach me.

off i go. see you when i see you!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

rainbows in the sky

"I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me."

-- Rainbow Connection

last thursday, i went on a little adventure on my own in cagayan de oro city. to find my way back to iligan, i got on a bus and i got myself a window seat. the sun was about to set when the bus pulled out of the terminal and for a while i got my share of the sun's kiss as bright yellow-orange rays pierced through the glass window.

as the bus plied the route leading back to my home city, the blue sky started to bleed with reddish and orange hues. i couldn't help but look and look out of the window. it was going to be more than an hour ride and, instead of sleeping the time off, i decided to spend it observing the scenes unfolding outside. so there i was, looking out, fascinated by the struggle between cool and warm colors as the sky assumed its multi-colored sunset glory. where the sky remained blue, there were hints of clouds and a rainbow... and another rainbow!

wow, rainbows in the sky during sunset! what a sight! it's been quite a while since i last observed a rainbow adorning the sky... and suddenly seeing not just one but two of them? i took in the sight with child-like excitement!

what i especially liked about what i saw was the fact that the rainbows were not of the usual semi-circular type -- they appeared like multi-colored beams from high-intensity artificial light sources, projected straight up from the low-lying clouds and received by the high-altitude clouds. definitely, a sight to behold! i feel sorry for the other passengers who were either sleeping or too busy paying attention to the tv-onboard. they missed the wonderful sky show!

i went all dreamy looking at the rainbows and the beautifully bleeding sky. it was easy to convince myself that someone watching over me put them there especially for me to see.

i eventually lost sight of the rainbows as the blue sky continued to bleed, trying to win in vain its battle against darkness... but a wonderful, dreamy feeling stayed with me. i half-imagined that the care bears were somewhere in the clouds, secretly waving, winking, and smiling.

i got a priceless bus ride for PhP130.

Monday, October 08, 2007

kindergarten

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again."

-- from mad girl's love song by sylvia plath


when i was five, i spent a year in kindergarten and earned a treasure trove of memories which, up to this day -- almost 20 years after -- i can still vividly recall.

i first arrived at the schoolhouse as a kinder 1 (k1) pupil but, on that same day, i went home as a kinder 2 (k2) kid. the one who brought me to school was told that, based on the teaching team's observation, i was already articulate enough to mingle with the k2 students and that i'd be better off there. based on my own observation, however, the real reason was this: the k1 teacher already had too many kids to look after. anyway, it was my luck.

(if i was made to stick it out in k1 that year, i would have belonged to another batch. it's difficult to imagine not being batchmates with the people who turned out to be my batchmates, if you get what i mean -- no ids99 for me, no p62003 for me either. say drama but, seriously, i can't bear the thought. ;P)

our schoolhouse was, to my then little girl's eyes, something straight out of children's books and children's movies. it was wooden and had that country cottage feel. there was an old acacia tree in front of it and, not far from it, was a green field lined with trees. the single-storey wooden structure we called classroom was in stark contrast to the three-story concrete building hiding it from clear view. (the schoolhouse was located at the back of the engineering building in that same university campus where i was to go for high school and college some years later. if loyalty awards were to be handed out, i'd be a recipient!)

i remember some of my classmates and the things that made them stand out in my memory bank.

there was a boy called amai who was always the first one to finish the individual activities. his female counterpart was a girl named christina. that girl had a lot of barbie dolls (back in the day, more than two was a lot considering the times then). there was a boy the rest of us couldn't talk to because he was very unfriendly -- for that reason, i forgot his name. if one of us ever approached him, all he said was a hostile sentence and it always ended with "baboy ka!" i think the only one he allowed to talk to him was our teacher.

there was lyzah, always looking for her mother. there was fern, never late and a natural leader inside the schoolroom. there was cyril, energetic like a wriggler and too soft for a boy. there was ranran. there was eldani. to them were often assigned the special roles of our class presentations. (little did i know then that, years after, eldani would become one of my drinking/gimik buddies in manila. hehe.) there was phil, nonchalant. there was janlou, shy, silent and well-behaved. i was closest to angel, tingting, and roxanne. angel was my buddy-buddy during class-hours, it was tingting who often squealed on me, and roxanne was my after-class buddy.

our teacher was miss josephine damgo. i heard she got married but i'll always remember her as miss josephine damgo -- very lady-like and thoughtful. very kind though she was, i received punishment from her -- once -- when fern complained that she was left out of the game i initiated. all of us in our playgroup were called forth and, after being reminded of good manners and right conduct, miss damgo lightly slapped our palms with a foot-long orions plastic ruler... just for the sake of additional disciplinary measure, i bet. (lol, orions! i didn't do any bullying but i got in hot water... all because i started blue bird, blue bird on my window -- i forgot the mechanics of this game.)

maybe i got punished twice...

back then, i was already observant and had no problem speaking out whatever's on my mind. when we were preparing our graduation presentation, i noticed that two of my classmates got multiple role assignments and the rest did not. i wondered about this openly and, by so doing, inadvertently called attention to myself. some casting changes were done and i ended up having an additional role -- that of a talking bird. in fairness, it wasn't what i wanted... had i only known. as a talking bird, i had to deliver a memorized speech about the environment all on my own. as if all things bright and beautiful wasn't already long enough to memorize! (complete with actions and voice & facial expressions, our entire class recited that beautiful poem from start to finish).

it was in kindergarten that i first got acquainted with poster colors. we used a lot of them during our art activities. we were allowed to let go of our brushes and we got to play with the colors using our palms and fingers. we had two cooking activities for our nutrition month celebration. for one, we had pancake day. we also had fruits and vegetable day -- the fruit salad was good but the hodge-podge of vegetables was yucky. (i avoided eating vegetables for quite sometime after this.) i was a silent angel in the manger during our christmas presentation. i remember being the only one who turned in irregular n-gons when the class was told to cut circles of different sizes. (it wasn't because i didn't catch the instructions well. it was all because i was the only one who did not get adult help in cutting the circles from cardboard -- think cardboard vs. paper scissors here.) we had nap times which always ended with tic tac tic tac says the clock it's time for the class to wake up and all but one would scramble off the mats -- roxanne always went on sleeping.

my dreams were very simple then: (1) i wanted to be an astronaut. (2) i wanted to be able to climb the tall trees in front of the engineering building.


p.s. except for ranran, tingting, and eldani, i don't know what became of my kindergarten classmates and where they are now. i wonder how they're doing and if they ever got close to their dreams.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

unhappy but not sad

"May the wind under your wings bear you
where the sun shines and the moon walks."

-- Gandalf in The Hobbit


i made him wait. would you believe? i made him wait for years. why, oh, why? i shouldn't have. kicking myself for it would do me no good now. i made tolkien wait. booh.

i remember stopping and putting down the book. only a few pages into the hobbit and i thought the language was beyond me. how then could i get to the lord of the rings if i couldn't even see myself through the prequel? nipped in the bud, my affair with tolkien -- that's what happened. see? had no need for a nosebleed. so goodbye. goodbye bag-end. goodbye shire. goodbye bilbo. goodbye going there and back again. goodbye story.

fast-forward to some years later and lo! i saw my close-to-being-forgotten and still unread tolkien books. hello bag-end. hello shire. hello bilbo. hello gandalf. hello dwarves. take me with you... there and back again.

well, they did! tolkien saw to it!

a mind-blowing adventure, it was! i soon said hello to frodo, sam, merry and pippin, and joined them in the grandest cause-worthy adventure in the realm of middle-earth. i wanted to stay there.

what more can i say? j.r.r. tolkien wrote the story the way it should be written and did not rush to get to the ending. j.r.r. tolkien, a thorough storymaker and an ever-patient storyteller. i, a late-bloomer of a reader... and, fortunately for me, the story did not grow too old to be told. methinks it's the kind that maintains its appeal and has the willingness to wait for generations to come.

needless to say, i was wrong about the language being beyond me. i was wrong about the potential nosebleed...

...but there was one phrase i encountered in the lord of the rings that really got me thinking even after i was done reading. others might have overlooked it and have not given it much thought because it has such simple words: "unhappy but not sad."

unhappy but not sad. now, what does that phrase mean? i sincerely need others' inputs.

Friday, September 21, 2007

run to the water... and find me there

"It's because I like you, I don't want to be with you.
It's a complicated emotion."

-- Marlin, Finding Nemo


this post's alternate title should read: sa maka-relate lang


"if i fall from grace here with you, would you leave me, too?"
-- from Smashing Pumpkins' Galapogos


my friends are going through heart-related troubles these days. i, as a friend, am a pendulum swinging from being cynical and sarcastic about their situations ("and why should he miss you???") to being optimistically sympathetic ("carry on. soon, there will be joy..."). on and on...

ever proud, ever optimistic me -- i try not to be affected by their stories and i refuse to think about my own heart being black and blue. no, not my shamelessly tenacious heart. i've sheltered it so it is safe.

but sh*t just happens, right?

i remain in my safety bubble -- happy, blissful -- imagining myself to be no different from the girl who sits on the shore, walks through the water to run after a school of fish, cups saltwater with her hands, plays with the sand with her toes, flirts with the breeze, giggling, untroubled, unhurt. with that, i get ahead in life. oh, yes, i get ahead.

but words and thoughts and melodies float in the air like dandelion puffs do. they find their way into the safety bubble and stir an otherwise already peaceful heart into restlessness.

"let me out... let me speak..."

no. i'm not ready for the insane flood of senti-babble... i listen but i refuse to write down the words. i take time and become aware how bad it is to want to express something and still be trapped. so i relent. i write things down... write... erase... write... erase... and then i end up quoting that old song by ambrosia which has been lulling me to sleep...

Oh, what's the matter baby?
Is the truth too hard to hear
Well, I think you know I'm not the one who lied
And now it's all behind us
And we both play out our lives
But the years don't change the way I feel inside
[reason says, "pwede malumos?"]

So we play the game out
Though it feels the same now
Are you missin' me?
[reason says, "asa pa ba?"]

Well now, baby just be aware
Of how much I still care
Oh, I need your love

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You're part of me that I just can't let go

Well, tell me somethin' baby
Is there still some thing inside
To remind you of the way it used to be?
And how the years have rolled by
Still there's somethin' I must say
No one ever could have loved you more than me
[reason says, "as the sister would say, 'ka-feeler oi!' "]

So I'm passin' time now
Wishin' you were mine now
Are you missin' me?

Well you know it's not too late
Oh, how long must I wait
Oh, to hear you say

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You're part of me that I just can't let go

And I need your love
Everywhere I go there's a memory
If you can't decide on me
Well you gotta make up your mind
Someday you're gonna find
You just might need me
[reason says, "hehe, kay libre mag-ilusyon"]

Well now, baby just be aware
Of how much I still care
Oh, I need your love

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You're part of me that I just can't let go


in an attempt to thwart this yet another public display of "madness", reason comes by, hauling in pride by the neck -- howling: remember, remember? -- but it is too late. both reason and pride be damned. this time, like it was in other times gone by and like it will be in future times, my temporarily emboldened heart wins. if there's no objection, i'm gonna go and feed it some valium now...

so, i go back to thinking about my friends' troubles. buying them ice cream won't do the trick -- i just know so. could something else be done except to go through it all and beat time?

on a related note, according to khalil gibran, sorrow is joy unmasked. if joy and sorrow are inseparable, then it can also be said that joy is sorrow unmasked.(?) life then is a cycle of unmaskings?

soon, sorrow will be unmasked... and there'll be joy. see? i'm that optimistic and i try to infect my friends with it.
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