"a caterpillar doesn't just grow into a butterfly. a caterpillar must undergo metamorphosis, and a cocoon is where a caterpillar risks it all: enters total chaos, undergoes total rebuilding, and is born to a new way of living. only in taking the risk of entering that inert cocoon can the caterpillar go from dormancy to potency, from ugliness to beauty."

Friday, April 29, 2005

because you're a girl*

"Little girls are cute and small only to adults.
To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized."

--Margaret Atwood

have you ever seen those cute kiddie panties with lacy behinds? i used to wear them. i mean, the people who took care of me as a child used to make me wear them -- i remember having one in hot pink. they used to make me wear those girly dresses, too, with matching girly socks and girly shoes! i didn't seem to mind. i liked 'em dressing me up that way and styling my hair with girly 'dos -- i knew early on that i was born "a girl".

i grew up playing boys' games though, and i think that's due to both choice and circumstance...

i was pretty close to my brother (him being older than me by only two years), and although we were reared as "boy" and "girl", that didn't stop me from going after the things given to him and the adventures he pursued as a kid. whatever he had, whatever he wanted, and whatever he did i wanted to have, i wanted to do. they gave me dolls and cute girly toys, but i didn't really appreciate them as much as i liked tinkering with his robots, holding his toy cars, and pulling his wooden toy chicken around the house. during those afternoons that he went out of the house to play with the kids in the neighborhood, i went out after him. (i must have looked like his faithful sidekick. hehehe, i miss those days!)

as a result, i got introduced to the following: palupad tabanog. tirador. pitik langgam. luthang. kuti. pusil-pusil. gubat-gubat. lantaka. dakpanay. shatong. bartolata. bangkola. teks. labay-tunga a.k.a. buang-buang. himog traps nga makapiang (sorry na lang ang victims). himog kahoy nga barko-barko, complete with dynamo. dakop butete. dakop wayawaya. dakop tapuri. dakop alindanaw. paaway sa alilawa. dampa! ligo sa ulan. biking. forward rolls. backward rolls... tmtm (too many to mention) really.

however, it was not easy for me to join kuya and the other boys (who were, by the way, mostly my cousins) in their games. they never made it easy for me. i had to beg them to allow me to play with them. most times, they would shrug and say, "dili pwede kay babaye man ka."

"no, because you're a girl."

ouch! what's so big deal about being a girl? i wanted to belong and be part of their "gang" and i got to be told off because... "babaye man ka, tapos gamay pa jud kaayo ka."

to that last line, i was blind and i was deaf. i was pretty insistent, anyway. i knew what i wanted so a lot of times, i submitted to being merely a "kuyog-baboy" (the equivalent of the joker in a deck of cards) -- even if the role annoyed me so much -- just so they would let me into their games. in those childhood games, i took advantage of opportunities just to prove that i can be good at whatever the boys're expected to be good at -- an attitude which i still have to this day all because of...

"dili pwede kay babaye man ka, tapos gamay pa jud kaayo ka."
("no, because you're a girl and you're so small.")

yeah right. thank you for telling me that because that surely took me a long, long way.

i used to be a girly gurl. i went through that little girl-stage of wearing skirts, of having my straight hair curled, and of being a flower girl in a girly gown... but that's so long ago. i'm no longer a girly gurl. i don't like wearing dresses, i refuse to wear skirts, i'm poor with high-heeled shoes, and i detest make-up -- i'm comfy in jeans and shirts and sneakers.

i guess, "dili pwede kay babaye man ka, tapos gamay pa jud kaayo ka" was what happened to me between then and now.

no, i'm no lesbian. i'm just not a girly gurl, that's all.

*you can say that again. just wait. when i finally grow up, you'll see.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

reload, reload!

Knock the "t" off the "can't."
--Samuel Johnson

1 - up in the high Y

high Y -- it's really sooooo high! it's called the high Y because wires attached to posts meet at the center to form a letter Y up in the sky. crossing the wires to get on to the other side means climbing some post (not seen in the picture) first.

when it was my turn to conquer the high Y, my knees were really shaking despite my having all the necessary safety gears. even when i was still on the ground and was just preparing for my climb up the post, my heart was already pounding because of consuming fear. then, when i was already on the wire and started walking on it to meet my partner who was coming from the other end of the Y, i kept asking my teammates for more rope and slack even if i already had more than enough. hahaha! i remember shouting out, "i need more slack! please give me more rope. please. please. i can't move!" they heard but they didn't do as i told them because they knew otherwise and could see that i was already falling off the wire.

hehehe...'pag takot ka nga naman.

thanks to the harness and the safety pulleys, i did not fall all the way down nor got myself hurt. instead, i dangled up there like an angel who didn't know how to fly -- somewhat scared but laughing and thinking, "what a moment!" -- and ended up doing impromptu acrobatics to find my way back on the wire again.

2 - rappelling after climbing the wall

we were made to climb the wall in three's -- one's blindfolded and the other two had to guide the blindfolded one all the way up.

i volunteered to be the blindfolded climber and, to this day, i'm thankful to my climbing buddies who saw to it that i get to reach the top of the wall with them. upon reaching the top, i was allowed to remove the blindfold and the three of us signed the banner that awaited us there. then, we rappelled to join the rest of our teammates on the ground.

oh, i forgot to say that we were first-time wallclimbers. hehehe.

3 - group 7 photosession...

...with the handsome ayala brothers, mccann erickson's emily abrera, PDI's sandy prieto, cathy pabalan, bam aquino, boy abunda, and then-mtv vj donita(!).

where am i in the pic? near the handsome brothers. =)

4 - running free


if you find yourself in tagaytay and you don't have to worry about food, accommodation and expenses because the universe conspired for you, and you're sharing a wonderful experience with great hyper people, you'd also be running happy and free!

5 - caleruega!

ah, i would love to find myself in caleruega again! the comforting silence, the breath-taking scenery, the sweet scent of the air, the beauty...

three years ago, my soul found a new home there. haaaaaaaaay.

note: aside from having this silly fear of dogs, i'm also acrophobic (afraid of heights).

Thursday, April 21, 2005

to hell with schedule

The time you think you're missing, misses you too.
--Ymber Delecto

i'm missing a lot of people -- they who i want to spend time with can't spend time with me because they are all too busy.

too busy??? grrr...

i think i'm getting allergic to that phrase. i just hope they who i care for are happy with their busy-ness because if they are not, some director better shout "cut!" lest they all become victims of burnout.

geez, wait! wait!

i reckon i'm being too busy, too. maybe that spells "we are all quits" in big bold letters. so, okay... people, time to breathe! i don't like YOUR schedule and i don't like mine, too.

how bad can it be for us, huh?

when i say i miss you people, i mean it...
but i just don't know how to show it.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

oh no!!!

red alert! that other stalker is alive.

i got this e-mail just awhile ago:

From:(his e-mail address here)
(my gmail address here)
Date: Apr 19, 2005 5:41 PM
Subject: see you soon

I'll be working in xxxx..... I think you're familiar with that....it's in the UP Diliman campus......I'll finally be near you
(first three letters of my real name here).....hehehe.......

I'm looking forward to seeing you so that I could apologize personally and then you could slap me in the face for having a digital copy of your picture. hehehehe

looking forward to meeting you soon,

paksyet. this really freaked me out. i don't even know who he is or how he looks like; i only know his name. i hope he's only joking because if not, i'd feel i'm not safe here anymore. waaaaaaaaa... i think i'm going to need a fork!!! i don't want him getting near me... ever.

*stalker's nick which he chose for himself to hide his real identity

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Q's and A's

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably
doesn't lead anywhere."

-- Frank A. Clark

Q: at night, before dozing off to sleep, what do you look at (just before you close your eyes)?

just before i close my eyes to drift off to dreamland, i look at the time. whew! i never realized until the question was asked that i've been doing this thing for a long time now. after i turn off the lights and hide under my sheets, i take time to look at my watch and read the time. thanks to luminous dials and indiglo technology, i can keep track of time even when it's all dark.

Q: if you were to kill someone, who would it be and how would you do it?

if killing ain't a sin, if killing ain't a crime, and since i have established my reputation with the fork when i was a high school freshman, i'll use the fork! yes, the fork... the innocent-looking fork, the one you use for eating. (if you're somewhat puzzled by this and if you're interested with my high school fork story, just let me know so i can talk about it in a separate post.)

hmmmm... but... but... i can't think of a particular someone to answer the who part of the question. i maybe be criminal-minded, but i'm not that criminal-minded. hehehe, ain't that comforting?


honestly, if i were to kill, i want to use the five-point palm heart-exploding technique. unfortunately, pai mei's dead and i have yet to meet beatrix kiddo and convince her to teach me that one. besides, it's probably patented. so, i'll just stick to my own way and the morbidity of it all!

Q: if you didn’t exist in this world, what would the world be missing?

my soul and its passions. my spunk. my personality. my mind and its orchestra of ideas. my heart and the unheard song that it sings. my voice. my laughter. my tears. my footfalls...

... and everything that's mine including this blog.

Q: if you could rearrange the appearance (arrangement?) of your face, how would you do it?

i'd put one eye at the back of my head and put the remaining one at the middle of my face's eyeline, so that to anyone who looks at me, i'm cyclops. hahaha!

that... or i'll add dimples on my cheeks. but... but... it's already been decided more than two decades ago that i can't be made too cute. hehehe. 'saon!

Q: what is the only thing that you'd NEVER give up to anyone and for anyone?

my individuality. if i'd give that one up, i'd cease to be me, right?

Q: how far would you go if you're in a loving relationship?

farther than the distance that describes the wideness of the universe, farther than all the known and imaginable boundaries.

naks, parang lasing yata ako.

Q: what scares you the most?

encountering snarling dogs!!! i'm forever afraid of dogs and to think i've never ever been bitten! i'm scared of even the cute ones and the smallest ones -- chihuahuas... are still dogs. families and friends who've witnessed me panicking at the sight of dogs (most especially those seemingly aggressive ones) can attest to this.

Q: if you could name one person, aside from your family, whom you couldn't afford to lose, who would that be?

this one's easy. my best friend.

Q: how would you respond to the deepest hurt and pain?

i'd cry my heart out until my tears would refuse to fall and then move on.

Q: if 7-11 is open 24/7, bakit sila may lock sa pinto?

'di ko alam exactly kung bakit pero may mga naisip akong posibleng sagot:
(1) kasi trip lang nilang maglagay ng lock. sa bisaya, ang tawag ko d'yan ay atik!
(2) contingency measure. maraming dahilan kung bakit kelangan ang ganitong contingency measure. halimbawa, bizarre scenario: ala-oakwood. paano kung madamay sila sa mga establishments na ma-o-oakwood, aber? so, sa mga panahong ganyan, kelangan lunukin ang pride at mag-close shop pansamantala (kesa lumunok sila ng bala, 'di ba?).
(3) in accordance with building regulations. 'di ako sure dito pero naisip ko lang kasi na baka hindi sila bibigyan ng permit kung 'di sila maglalagay ng lock.

sana at least isa sa mga sagot na binigay ko ay tama.

Q: bakit may interstate highway sa Hawaii?

'di ko alam. kung hindi pa tinanong 'to, di ko malalaman na may interstate highway sa hawaii. kaya ang ginawa ko, nag-google ako (ang honest ko 'no?) at nakuha ko ang information na 'to:

"Even though Hawaii is separated by thousands of miles of ocean from any other state, there is nothing unusual about having Interstates on Oahu. The "Interstate" system is really the National System of Interstate and Defense Highways, intended to serve military needs as well as civilian interstate traffic... Remember also that there is no requirement that "Interstate" routes cross state lines. Most 3-digit Interstate routes on the mainland are entirely in one state, as indeed are many 1- or 2-digit "mainline" Interstate routes (such as I-4 in Florida, I-12 and I-49 in Louisiana, and I-27, I-37, and I-45 in Texas)."

'yan ha. hindi raw required na mag-cross sa state lines ang so-called interstate routes. tsaka nga pala, apat ang interstate highways sa hawaii, hindi isa lang.

Q: bakit nagbebenta ng yosi sa gas station, e di ba, bawal mag-yosi dun?

ay 'di ko rin alam, pramis. pero pilipinas pinag-uusapan natin 'di ba? ano naman ang bago? wala! ewan ko nga ba, signed into law na ang republic act 9211 a.k.a. tobacco regulation act of 2003 na nagbabawal sa pagyoyosi sa mga pampublikong lugar, pero parang wala ring epek. ayun! nung isang araw, nabugahan ako, buwisit! hindi man sinadya 'yon, nakakabuwisit pa rin. buti pa sa davao, strikto sila doon. (doon na lang kaya ako, sasali ako sa death squad... nyahahaha.)

tsaka... 'di ko rin maintindihan kung bakit trip ng mga peeps na magyosi kahit di naman sila mamamatay kung 'di sila magyoyosi. hay naku, anti-yosi personality talaga ako and proud to be so. kaya, mga yosi peeps na dadaan sa blog ko at mababasa 'to, please 'wag na kayong mangatwiran para 'di na gumulo ang usapan. peace tayo. hindi ako maka-yosi pero maka-tao ako.

Q: bakit kapag me hinahanap kang address, habang nag-da-drive, eh hinihinaan mo yung volume ng car radio?

'di ko pa naranasan 'to. tsaka, kung meron man akong hahanaping address at ako ang nag-da-drive, malamang, gigilid ako at hihinto pansamantala para maghanap ng address. (kaso, malabo pang mangyari 'to kasi 'di ko pa nasubukang magdrive ng totoong sasakyan sa totoong daan. papang ko kasi hindi pa ako tinuturuan.) siguro, para sa mga gumagawa nito at talagang hinihinaan ang volume ng car radio, ang rason ay para mabawasan kahit papa'no ang mga unnecessary thought disturbances and to aid necessary thought processes. o 'di ba?

Q: if nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

they made teflon such that the side that sticks to the pan is "sticky" and the side that is exposed is "non-sticky". however, that's my simple way of saying things. for a more thorough answer to this question, please take a look at this: teflon sticks.

Q: di ba dapat "Don't park on either side" rather than "Don't park on both sides?"

oo nga. ewan nga ba kung bakit tino-tolerate 'yan. ang pagkakaalam ko, mas okay kung "towaway zone" na lang ang ilagay para tipid sa space at pintura. hehehe.

Q: what's your reason when you return to someone the gifts he's giving you?

first, if the gifts had been with me for awhile, the only reason i would be giving the gifts back would be this: he wants them back (that makes him stupid, right?) otherwise, i'll be keeping the gifts.

second, i realized that i can give back the gifts as parts of a wonderful gift which i feel i should give him because he is that special.

third, if i were given things and i don't understand the motive, i wouldn't have them in the first place and would have them returned right away because that's what my principles would dictate so.

(fourth, i am not her and i'm sorry that she did that to you. i don't understand it myself.)

Q: how many boyfriends do you have?

uy, plural! in present tense, too. hahaha! this question really cracked me up. anyway, to answer the question: none and there are no had beens.

stir? call me chicken heart and elusive. i'll forgive you.


many thanks to babypink, anonymous, tsutsugamushi, trickyboy and prem for the questions.

Friday, April 15, 2005

souls and laughing cows

"Listen to your heart.
It knows all things because it came from the Soul of the World
and it will one day return there."

-- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

does everyone have a soul? what happens to your soul when you die? if you don't believe in a soul, do you still have one? do you believe in soulmates? do soulmates always end up together?

these are the questions posted by kara and tamela, two souls who stumbled upon this blog and gamely left some things for me to ponder upon...


we know, we feel, we crave because of the soul.

it nags the heart, it fuels the mind, and it drives the body. it is wisdom, it is emotion, it is values, it is consciousness rolled into one. it is neither good nor evil. it is both our master and our slave. it is also a lot of things in between.

it surrounds us and it is in all of us. it is what constantly motivates us to become... to bask in joys... to suffer pains... to ceaselessly ask questions... to seek answers... to truly live... to dare. it is the child in us. it is the conscience. it is the bearer of pains. it is the mover. it asks to be fed when it is hungry. it longs to be taken care of. it demands attention. it is a seeker, it thirsts for adventures. it is a questor. it builds dreams, drives dreams, desires dreams, tests dreams, and celebrates the fulfillment of dreams. it undergoes growth and decay and experiences high and low, depending on how its needs are met.

the soul, however, is not merely a spirit that dwells in us. it is not something which floats about or appears like a bubble and then pops out when we die. i believe that the soul lingers long after our hearts stop beating, long after our brains stop functioning, and long after our bodies stop working. however, it does not live on as a wisp of smoke or column of air or some cute and squishy white stuff like casper, but as feelings and memories that we leave on other beings here on earth... in the galaxy... and in the universe.

the human soul transcends barriers and makes man one with what surrounds him. because it is in touch with the universe -- whose soul drives all interactions -- the human soul defies the limits and enables the mind to imagine such thoughts as laughing cows and drives one to even ask, "if cows could laugh, would milk come out of their noses?" and drives another to answer, "milk comes out of mammalian tits, not noses."

in essence, the soul represents our journey through life -- through the world, in the world, through the mind, in the mind, through the expanse of the cosmos, and in the cosmos.

because of the gazillion possibilites of interactions stretched over a wide space, our souls may not get to meet all the other souls there are in this world (and more so, in this universe). however, it is still nice to think that -- out there, somehow -- we are bound to meet the souls which we are meant to spend our lifetimes with. if not, it is a comforting thought that there are other souls to meet and interact with and that we can still make the most out of our respective journeys.


s-o-u-l. four letters. one word. an abstract concept, it is intangible. as such, it cannot be seen and it cannot be touched. still, it can be felt and it can be believed in by those who choose to believe -- by people such as i (and perhaps by people such as you)... by people who acknowledge the existence of others' souls even if the others themselves don't.

it sounds like love, isn't it? but i guess, love is a far greater concept than the soul.

shaks. murag malumos ko sa kalalom.

Monday, April 11, 2005

prelude to the souls and laughing cows post

Know thyself.
-- Socrates

the soul quiz: what kind of soul are you?

deep down inside, you know...

You're excited about life and in touch with yourself and nature. Tell me, do I have this straight?
>> definitely, yes!

Virtues: You appreciate humor like none other. Puns might even spark laughter in you (TEHY R FUNNI). You seek adventure and connection with your surroundings. You seek friends who will not only share laughs with you but actually form a deep bond of trust and empathy beneath the surface. You look for adventure and courage in people, and variation is necessary to keep you under control. You see yourself as multi-faceted, so you need people who can see you in your many lights. You're constantly trying to figure yourself out while analyzing the people around you. Silly, silly people.
>> aye! aye! i totally agree. ha ha ha!

Aspirations: You can't decide what you want to be yet, but you know you want it to be adventures and interesting, with constant changes. You don't know what love will do for you yet, but it's competing with adventure for a place in your heart. An internal conflict has begun: can you be a successful worker, lover, and parent all at once?
>> wow! so true, so true!

Quirks: Noise of any sort is irritating when you're in the mood. Smacking gum, loud chewing, humming- it's about as pleasing as bodily noises. You dislike emaciated people because of jealousy and just plain disgust. You're a procrastinator but a hard worker, too.
>> hehehe. i'm pretty highly irritable, but do i dislike emaciated people? i don't think so; i'm one of them, hahaha!!! ah, procrastinator but a hard worker! aaaaaaiiiyes, that is what i am.

Factors: You need constant attention and support. You're high-maintenance, but a great, reliable friend. Nature needs you and you need nature; it's helped thus far, so keep in touch with the outside world.
>> right! right! let me clarify one thing though: i may be high-maintenance, but that's in terms of time and quality of interactions, never in terms of monetary concerns. my joys are numerous but they are so simple, money cannot buy 'em.

Future: Who knows! You absolutely need constant change, so vacationing is surely in the cards. Will you settle down or not? Love will find you eventually, as it does to everyone. Will you choose the sweet home life or the rewarding busy-bee life?
>> aha! sooooooo meeeeeeee... soooooooo meeeeee... i wanna do cartwheels!!!

what d'ya think, huh?

Monday, April 04, 2005

color, crush, first love, etc.

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Curiosity has its own reason for existing.

--Albert Einstein

answers to questions from anonymous...

Q: what is your favorite color?

yellow! i love yellow -- lemon yellow to be specific, but the pale version of it is fine with me, too.

even as a kid and long before i knew what to call the color, i was most drawn to yellow and most of my things were... yellow. growing up, i got into painting and realized that i have to embrace other colors, too. i ended up playing with all sorts of colors, sometimes liking them, sometimes liking them not. however, on my list of colors, yellow remains up there. it always stands out... exuding brightness, vibrancy, happiness, warmth, and bliss.

can i add cuteness?

Q: who is your crush?

hey, can i skip answering this question? hehehe. just kidding.

for the sake of giving him a name here but at the same time protecting his privacy, let's call him botchok. hahaha. of course, that's not his name. i don't address him that way and i think nobody does. (if he gets the chance, he'll probably strangle me for this! hala, gud lak.)

the first time i noticed him was tears, i mean, years ago... back when i was a college freshman, back when i was home. more than good looks, more than undeniable intelligence, i like the aura of gentleness that surrounds him. even with that said, i don't think he's weak.

and did i say his eyes speak volumes?

ah, but... he's not that all-yummy. he has this attitude that i find infuriating (grrr...) but nevertheless interesting to deal with. that is to say, i appreciate who he is.

Q: who is your first love?

uhm... uhm...

him? i loved him three years ago and i realized that i still love him, anyway. :P

unsa?! did i just write that?! (flash, flash: all systems alert! classified info security has been breached!)

next question please!

Q: will u marry me?

my instincts may seldom be wrong but... i'm not a seer, am i? i guess it's a question we better ask u, not me.

or... wait. does u stand for "you" and am i being asked if i'll marry... the one who left the question?

if so, the answer is a downright "no". aside from it's always easier to say no (agree?), i'm far too romantic to even consider things like that over the internet. hehehe.


answer to the question from miggs

Q: when will you come home?

kuya miggs and i

soon. all i can say is soon.

but God, i miss being home! i miss the taste of water in iligan, among other things like the company of my hometown friends, the delicious smell of lechon and the comfort of being with my family...

but now is not a time to be nostalgic.


answers to the barrage of frantic questions from the gEEEmail

Q's: when a teacher says, "we will hold your grade until you finish your project" and adds, "don't worry, if this is your only problem subject this sem, you're sure to graduate", can i attend our graduation rites this april, even if i don't finish my project before the deadline for submission of grades? i'm supposed to have a grade already, except that it will be "held" for the time being. what on earth does that mean? what will be on my classcard and/or transcript of records? an INC? why didn't they give me an INC in the first place? i'm so confused. guess where i am right now...

the gEEEmail and i

yoni gurl, i do not have the power to give you a grade, and i do not exactly know how things go in your department, but i am convinced that you can attend the graduation rites this year!

you can finish that project of yours in time. believe you can do it. don't be intimidated by what you perceive to be limitations. "what the mind can conceive and believe, one can achieve," remember? don't give the powers-that-be a reason to "hold" your grade and refuse the thought of seeing an INC on your classcard or on your transcript for that project. the universe always conspires in helping people who help themselves; everything shall fall into place if you work for it. don't lose hope, okay? you've already done it before, you can do it again!

hmmm... or maybe your lab loves you so much, it's having a hard time letting you go so it's trying to keep you. =) no matter what, look at the bright side! you'll get through, you'll see. we're "programmed" to survive, after all.


i'll be posting the answers to the remaining questions in the succeeding entries. keep on asking, keep the questions coming...

next up: souls and laughing cows

Friday, April 01, 2005

ask me

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet
and the winds long to play with your hair.

--Kahlil Gibran

attention folks!

i am open to questions: personal, thought-provoking, mundane, crazy, weird, out of this world, complex, simple, or whatever comes to mind. anyone -- as in anyone -- who reads this is entitled to leave at most five questions in either of the two comment boards accompanying this post. your asking will not be for naught as i will try to answer whatever questions i'll encounter the best way i can. fair deal?

now is your chance and this ought to be fun...

all that's needed for this to work is c-o-o-p-e-r-a-t-i-o-n. i'm counting on you. so, go ahead and do me this favor, ask me.

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