mixed emotions

9:40 pm. ayala avenue.

him: see you on june 7?
me: uh huh, we'll have june 7. i'll show up.
him: take care. text me when you're home.
me: yup. you, too.

then, i boarded the bus. destination: diliman and my feeling of loss.

the rewind...
around 6:15 pm. prince plaza ii in ayala.

there was structure, there was him, there was me. there, too, was the faint sound from the aircon and the sound from the tv -- peeeeee beeeeeee eeeeeey... astig!

aha! basketball. that's just one of the many things that could bring us together. my story isn't about basketball though.

structure: (to me) has he told you?
me: told me what? nobody tells me anything these days. i'm always left to find out on my own.
him: (expressionless) she does not know yet.

i looked at him quizzically, expecting he would spill but he only gave me that smile which i know so well and i went thinking, "he knows something i don't and, this time, he can't tell me." so i turned to structure...

structure: (to me) i hope you don't feel bad.
me: feel bad about what?
structure: he's getting married.
me: oh.

he's getting married at 24?! oh boy, oh boy. i heard it right and structure wasn't joking -- he loves me so much, he can't play with my emotions that way. the news was... well, i was happy and i was sad all at once; i can't exactly name how i felt but i managed to smile.

me: (smiling) since when did you know?
structure: may 14.
me: oh.

since may 14? and nobody bothered to tell me?! that's when realization hit home -- they tried to protect me. then, i knew.

i knew that it's time to finally really accept what i came to realize two years ago... the boy i grew up with, gone he is...

...and on june 7, i'll be meeting his would-be-wife. i can see the picture now. there will be structure, there will be him, there will be me, and there will be her. there, too, will be the memories that i hold dear.

i am happy for my brother. i will try not to cry.

suggest a topic

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes.
-- Master Yoda in Star Wars: Episode 5

first, there was ask me...

now, here's suggest a topic. my blog has just turned one and i'm in the mood to talk and indulge anyone. anyone -- as in anyone -- who comes across this blog may suggest a topic for me to write about. suggestions can be made through either of the two comment boards accompanying this post.

hear me. suggest, suggest! so, what do you want my next piece to be? hmmm...

on world peace? hahaahaaa.

soon it'll be my blog's day!

happy birthday bloggy, happy birthday bloggy
happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday bloggy...



will turn one
on
may 28


-¤-
update: may 22

i woke up with a mouth sore yesterday -- i thought it was a dream but it was not and it somehow disturbed me all day. i woke up with the same mouth sore today. now, i'm scared. see, it's not the common open sore. it's a bump sore at the base of my mouth, on my inner gum. "googling" for info on mouth sores and their home cures scared me all the more. anak ng pating, tinatakot ko na naman ang sarili ko. grrr...

here's what one source has to say on the matter:

"See your doctor anytime you develop an unexplained sore or discolored spot anywhere in your mouth — painful or not."

"Almost anything that goes wrong in your body can cause a mouth sore"
other sources mentioned CANCER. halur?! that word is more than enough to terrify me. trip ko na yatang mag-panic. makapagpa-check up na nga lang.


p.s. takot po akong magpa-check up. please, God, make the sore go away...

summer dreaming

"you are here because..."
-=- vkpm, 05-19-05 -=-

on a virgin shore i walk
hand in hand with my barefoot self
the mysterious wind trails along
catching my breaths, listening to my thoughts

from sunrise to sunset
from moonrise to moonset
time hops with footfall after footfall
and the sea sings a comforting ancient cry

my soul sings back and the wind joins in
the sky hears and echoes a message across
the stars and the cottony clouds join the chorus
the world knows, the world feels

wave after wave silence breaks
step after step my soles caress the sands
and as the shore stretches more and more
it beckons, it whispers "...you deserve us"

two years

Time is a brisk wind, for each hour it brings something new...
but who can understand and measure its sharp breath,
its mystery and its design?
--Paracelsus

the last time i saw him was two years ago, but i doubt if he could remember. i even held him close to me because i knew that it would take awhile before we would meet again, but i doubt if he could remember. that last encounter was just like our first encounter -- brief and gone too soon. nevertheless, i don't regret having held him for even just a moment and i was glad he was there, but i doubt if he could remember. i did not and i do not expect him to. two years is a long time, after all.

i... i never forgot him though. until now, i wonder how he's doing and how the time we've spent apart has changed him. for quite awhile, i never heard from nor about him -- no word, no pictures -- until two weeks ago...

two weeks ago, he sang for me over the phone. the gesture was too sweet and hearing him made me cry -- his was the sincerest and cutest voice i've ever heard over my phone.

"A... B... C... D..."

hearing kenj sing out the letters of the alphabet to me gave the ABC song a whole new meaning. see, kenj is the two-year old son of my college friend, joyce, and he is my first inaanak. (hmmm, what were you thinking?)

the last time i saw kenj was when he was still a wee baby, when i carried him in my arms and watched him sleep. he is now a smart babbling toddler who is game enough to sing ABC to "te val" over the phone. he may not remember nor recognize me right away when we get to see each other again, and i may have missed his teething, his first walk, his haircuts, his smiles, and personally witnessing his childish wisdom... but i remember him... i'll remember him

...and i'll surely remember his rendition of the ABC song. i bet my lotto winnings, no american idol can outdo him in singing that one! (and simon cowell will have to die first before he can insult kenj, hehehe. sira.)

moments

A thousand moments.
They're like a bag of tiny diamonds glittering in a black heart.
-- Inman in Cold Mountain

in a moment: a hint of a smile can turn into a wide grin, an observation can pave way for a new idea, a voice can falter, a memory can fade, a song can reverberate, a heart can die, a hope can be strengthened, opportunity can be lost, trust can be regained, love can grow, hate can be sowed, laughter can echo, tears can flow, life can be taken away, a kiss can be blown, axes can fall, a friendship can start, words can hurt, a miracle can happen, a dream can come true, a world can shake...

moments are brief, indefinite intervals of time. although brief, so much can happen while they last and there's no precise way of telling when they really end -- one just knows when they're up. they can be easily qualified, but to quantify them is another matter. making them count is one thing, counting them is another thing.

i could count my life in decades, in years, in months, in weeks, in hours, in minutes, in seconds, in milliseconds, even in microseconds or nanoseconds or picoseconds or femtoseconds... but i do not choose to do that. life's meanings would only be utterly lost in such an OC exercise. what are those numbers, what are those figures that represent how long i've lived if they can't tell how i've lived?

i choose to treasure the moments instead. it is true that i can't stop the sands of time from falling and neither can i stop the coming of the next second, but i can try to make the moments -- particularly the good ones -- last... in my head, in my heart.

a thousand heartwarming moments are treasures that all the money in the world can't buy, but i can have them. you can have them, too.

mama

No painter's brush, nor poet's pen
In justice to her fame
Has ever reached half high enough
To write a mother's name.
--Author Unknown

in her arms, i can sleep soundly. in her presence, i feel safe. her touch is heaven and her smile brings me home. when i'm embraced by mama, what could go wrong?

to her, it wouldn't matter if the world thinks i'm right or wrong. i can be an angel or i could be a monster. i can be nobody or i could be somebody. i can be with the world or i could be against the world. no matter what, she wouldn't deny me. even if everyone else would spite and smite me, she would still claim me as her own and wouldn't hesitate to hold me close to her bosom. in mama's eyes, i would always be beautiful.

i won't feel forgotten, i won't feel unloved, i won't feel unworthy... for i have mama.

she relentlessly understands. she always forgives. she protects me from harm. for all the risks she takes and for all her sacrifices, she makes a lot of difference in the world -- in my corner in the world, most especially. i have her to thank for my roots and my wings. mama is the number one heroine in my life.


we, four, are her kids. for bringing us into this world, for devoting most of her life for our well-being, and for loving us like no one else can, we can't thank her enough...

...and, since there's just no excuse for hurting a loving mother, we can't be sorry enough for all the hurts we have caused her.

i belong to the league of good daughters and i am no black sheep despite my shortcomings but, for mama, i still would want to become a better daughter and a better person. that way, i can carry her torch for the world to see.

OMG, it's may!

it's may! it's may!
hey, what's with may?

mother's day.
fiesta galore.
star wars.

did i miss anything?
i know i did.

*winks*

guess what.

from my pen and paper to cyberspace

i said out loud you're no longer the one i long for, but my emotions don't say so. everytime a picture of you floats before my closed eyes, i am fighting a battle against myself -- part of me lets go of your memory, part of me holds on. it's something i have to live with right now. i don't like fighting against myself because it leaves me drained, but with the way i feel for you, i have no choice.

but i have to move on. i can't go on like this. i can't be waiting for you the whole time. i can't continue fighting back tears everytime i see you standing right before me and regret the day i unintentionally drove you away. this is crazy because everytime you're there, i feel a stab of pain and nobody else knows that i'm fighting for something i have no right to win. your heart won't be mine and i'm not gonna go begging for it because if love chooses us, then it comes, and it'll be us. until then...

too bad, you didn't welcome me when i walked in. maybe you got so used to watching me from afar that you failed to see, maybe you didn't know, and maybe i dreamed and hoped too much.

now that i'm walking out, maybe you don't see, maybe you still don't know, maybe you refuse to... and that's too bad, too.

-- a consequence of the first heartbreak, 04-05-2003