unhappy but not sad

"May the wind under your wings bear you
where the sun shines and the moon walks."
-- Gandalf in The Hobbit

i made him wait. would you believe? i made him wait for years. why, oh, why? i shouldn't have. kicking myself for it would do me no good now. i made tolkien wait. booh.

i remember stopping and putting down the book. only a few pages into the hobbit and i thought the language was beyond me. how then could i get to the lord of the rings if i couldn't even see myself through the prequel? nipped in the bud, my affair with tolkien -- that's what happened. see? had no need for a nosebleed. so goodbye. goodbye bag-end. goodbye shire. goodbye bilbo. goodbye going there and back again. goodbye story.

fast-forward to some years later and lo! i saw my close-to-being-forgotten and still unread tolkien books. hello bag-end. hello shire. hello bilbo. hello gandalf. hello dwarves. take me with you... there and back again.

well, they did! tolkien saw to it!

a mind-blowing adventure, it was! i soon said hello to frodo, sam, merry and pippin, and joined them in the grandest cause-worthy adventure in the realm of middle-earth. i wanted to stay there.

what more can i say? j.r.r. tolkien wrote the story the way it should be written and did not rush to get to the ending. j.r.r. tolkien, a thorough storymaker and an ever-patient storyteller. i, a late-bloomer of a reader... and, fortunately for me, the story did not grow too old to be told. methinks it's the kind that maintains its appeal and has the willingness to wait for generations to come.

needless to say, i was wrong about the language being beyond me. i was wrong about the potential nosebleed...

...but there was one phrase i encountered in the lord of the rings that really got me thinking even after i was done reading. others might have overlooked it and have not given it much thought because it has such simple words: "unhappy but not sad."

unhappy but not sad. now, what does that phrase mean? i sincerely need others' inputs.

run to the water... and find me there

"It's because I like you, I don't want to be with you.
It's a complicated emotion."
-- Marlin, Finding Nemo

this post's alternate title should read: sa maka-relate lang

"if i fall from grace here with you, would you leave me, too?"
-- from Smashing Pumpkins' Galapogos

my friends are going through heart-related troubles these days. i, as a friend, am a pendulum swinging from being cynical and sarcastic about their situations ("and why should he miss you???") to being optimistically sympathetic ("carry on. soon, there will be joy..."). on and on...

ever proud, ever optimistic me -- i try not to be affected by their stories and i refuse to think about my own heart being black and blue. no, not my shamelessly tenacious heart. i've sheltered it so it is safe.

but sh*t just happens, right?

i remain in my safety bubble -- happy, blissful -- imagining myself to be no different from the girl who sits on the shore, walks through the water to run after a school of fish, cups saltwater with her hands, plays with the sand with her toes, flirts with the breeze, giggling, untroubled, unhurt. with that, i get ahead in life. oh, yes, i get ahead.

but words and thoughts and melodies float in the air like dandelion puffs do. they find their way into the safety bubble and stir an otherwise already peaceful heart into restlessness.

"let me out... let me speak..."

no. i'm not ready for the insane flood of senti-babble... i listen but i refuse to write down the words. i take time and become aware how bad it is to want to express something and still be trapped. so i relent. i write things down... write... erase... write... erase... and then i end up quoting that old song by ambrosia which has been lulling me to sleep...

Oh, what's the matter baby?
Is the truth too hard to hear
Well, I think you know I'm not the one who lied
And now it's all behind us
And we both play out our lives
But the years don't change the way I feel inside
[reason says, "pwede malumos?"]

So we play the game out
Though it feels the same now
Are you missin' me?
[reason says, "asa pa ba?"]

Well now, baby just be aware
Of how much I still care
Oh, I need your love

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You're part of me that I just can't let go

Well, tell me somethin' baby
Is there still some thing inside
To remind you of the way it used to be?
And how the years have rolled by
Still there's somethin' I must say
No one ever could have loved you more than me
[reason says, "as the sister would say, 'ka-feeler oi!' "]

So I'm passin' time now
Wishin' you were mine now
Are you missin' me?

Well you know it's not too late
Oh, how long must I wait
Oh, to hear you say

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You're part of me that I just can't let go

And I need your love
Everywhere I go there's a memory
If you can't decide on me
Well you gotta make up your mind
Someday you're gonna find
You just might need me
[reason says, "hehe, kay libre mag-ilusyon"]

Well now, baby just be aware
Of how much I still care
Oh, I need your love

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You're part of me that I just can't let go

in an attempt to thwart this yet another public display of "madness", reason comes by, hauling in pride by the neck -- howling: remember, remember? -- but it is too late. both reason and pride be damned. this time, like it was in other times gone by and like it will be in future times, my temporarily emboldened heart wins. if there's no objection, i'm gonna go and feed it some valium now...

so, i go back to thinking about my friends' troubles. buying them ice cream won't do the trick -- i just know so. could something else be done except to go through it all and beat time?

on a related note, according to khalil gibran, sorrow is joy unmasked. if joy and sorrow are inseparable, then it can also be said that joy is sorrow unmasked.(?) life then is a cycle of unmaskings?

soon, sorrow will be unmasked... and there'll be joy. see? i'm that optimistic and i try to infect my friends with it.

salivation is free!

sing with me. salivation, salivation, salivation is free... uh huh, uh huh, uh huh...

owkey, owkey, lest you think i don't know the lyrics to that popular cranberries song, let me say you're mistaken. blame the little green mangoes for the word play.


little green mangoes! yum, yum!
they represent the entire population of my all-time favorite kind of mango in the whole wide universe and there's no exaggeration there.

the mere sight of them is enough to make me salivate. paring them, slicing them drives me to a different level of high. biting them, eating them is euphoria.

i'm grateful to be around here at this time of the year when green mangoes adorn the trees, beckoning, beckoning.

soon it will be christmas day

"Meet me tomorrow night. Or any day you want.
I have no right to wonder just how, or when."
-- from Morning Theft

when the 1st of september set in, christmas songs played on piano and sax blared from our neighbor's house the entire morning. as early as now, there's already a big christmas tree all-decorated and displayed on their veranda. clearly, he is not that excited... hahahahaa!

anyhoo, this week, i made a video. no, no, it has nothing to do at all with our christmas-crazy neighbor or of christmas for that matter. it's my own seasons of love video -- 22 snapshots i took during my stays & travels and 29 photo files of me & my friends... here and there.

here it is, a smorgasbord of snapshots and moments with friends and one fave song...


it's time now to sing out, though the story never ends...
video profile: 320x240 pixels
length: 3 minutes and 2 seconds
content: 51 photo files and 1 song (seasons of love from rent)

the pakshet entry

“How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.”
-- Alexander Pope

image source: pon and zi gallery
umpisa tayo sa salitang pakshet na ang ibig sabihin ay... pakshet. well, yun na yun. tapos yada yada yada, manira ng mga pakshet (kaya nga pakshet), magpaka-bitter, yada yada yada... until umabot sa pakshet ending.

ito'y isang artik na nabuo dahil sa request ng isang tao diyan.

may kaibigan ako, sam ang pangalan niya. hindi kasi siya makapagblog dahil sa isang major pakshet reason kaya sabi niya ako na lang daw magblog tungkol sa pakshet.

normally, di ko ginagawa 'to. tingnan mo na lang, sa title pa lang, may mura na. tapos bitter-bitteran mode pa ang required para makasulat ng ganito. gusto ko sana more on good vibes nasa blogsite ko. pero di ba, paminsan-minsan dapat lumihis ng daan?

ang mga kwentong masakit sa bangs, bow.

sandamakmak na ang mga pakshet na kwento pero people just can't get enough... mahal mo, di ka mahal. hindi mo mahal, mahal ka. mahal mo, mahal ka pero dahil sa mala-nobelang twists and turns na dadaigin pa yata ang mga nasa soap operas, hindi kayo... or hindi na kayo. pwedeng mahal mo, mahal ka pero pareho kayong di alam na patay na patay pala kayo sa isa't-isa. pwede ring yung mahal mo, ang mahal niya, mahal ka... awww. nakakatuwang nakakabaliw. so pakshet talaga.

leche siya
as in???
hahahahaha
bwisit pa
oo nga leche sila shet
ayan... shet din siya
bwahahahahaha pakshet?
wahaahah, di nila alam minumura na natin sila
magkwento ka naman aliwin mo ko
yoko magkwento. mapapamura lang din ako. tapos may-i-bring-back-all-the-pain chuvaness, wag na

naku, pwede talagang makabuo ng mala-thesis na compilation of pakshet stories. mapapalitanya pa tayo sa mura nyan...

ba't kasi pagdating sa mga bagay na may kinalaman ang emosyon, nababading na lahat. self-preservation first ang drama. kaya kahit ikawindang na ng buhay at bumabaha na ng pakshet emotions, kailangang mag-hold back at indahin ang pakshet. sa ganun talaga.

kahit anong isipin mo, di pa rin magbabago tingin mo sa kanya, ganun talaga yun, kaya nga pakshet di ba? kasi in spite and despite all yung drama... umayaw ka na, affected ka pa rin. kilig. selos. asar. emo. achus.

e sa ganon lang talaga e. minsan bratty talaga ang heart nyahahahaha

magkauban ka pa sa sobrang inis, kumanta ka pa ng mga achy-breaky songs, ma-solve man ng mga luha mo ang water crisis, mag-compare-compare ka pa ng mga worst pakshet stories of all time, wala pa rin. pakshet pa rin.

pwede na yatang magnegosyo ng dingding para lahat ng may iniindang pakshet ay doon mag-uuntog ng ulo. ba't di na lang kasi magkaisa at itulak sa pakshet bangin ang mga pakshet sa world? so, therefore, there was... pakshet nga yung kwento.

umpisa sa pakshet, matatapos sa pakshet. maybe not. short lang ang buhay, kelangang gawing makulay. i-conquer ang pakshet. celebrate! celebrate!



p.s.
(1) ayan sam, pinagbigyan kita. malakas ka pala sa akin? nyahahaha. gudlak na lang sa yo pag yung pakshet mo napadpad dito at ma-gets niyang napasulat mo ako ng pakshet dahil sa kanya, wahahaha.

(2) sa mga na-pakshet dahil sa akin: oist, malay ko ba. wag nyo ko pagbintangan. peace tayo, okies?