voices and choices

"A dream that you don't fight for
can haunt you for the rest of your life."
-- from the movie, Robots

first there was one. now, there are three. meet the voices...

the little voice: 'a dream that you don't fight for will haunt you forever.'
the big voice: hahaha. nice try! you got it wrong though. listen. 'a dream that you don't fight for will haunt you for the rest of your life.'
the medium voice: duh. it's 'a dream that you don't fight for can haunt you for the rest of your life.' you know she doesn't like it when you get things wrong.
me: sssssssshhhhhh. stop it!

the big voice: you should go for that dream you know. you're cut for it.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.
the little voice: no, no, no. you should go for that other dream. that's where we'll be happy. you know that.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.
the medium voice: methinks you should go for both. yes you can, yes we can. what's stopping you? have both.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.

-¤-
pretty soon, i'll be forced to make a choice. if nothing helpful happens between now and whenever pretty soon will be, i know that when pretty soon finally comes to make me decide, i will be torn like i've never been torn before... oh, how could the feeling of doom loom over someone who is supposed to be optimistic?

i'm nearing another crossroad and i can't blame people for wanting to know what road i'll be taking in going beyond there. i, myself, would want to know what i'm gonna do next but in as much as i want to be able to provide an answer, i can't -- i do not know yet what my next step will be and that pains me because i am not used to not knowing. i hope people would stop asking because it sends me to that mixed state of depression and confusion. i do not like being uncertain. it makes me sad. it makes me wanna cry. it makes me feel weak.

-¤-
out there, in the distance, are my dreams. vague pictures. although i have the power to make them crystal clear now, i refuse to. i find myself afraid of what i might see. i still need to muster enough courage to pry into what they really hold for me. up ahead, they are there waiting for me. for now, that's enough.

two defocused big dreams.

from where i am, that's what i see. i wish to pursue them both but, as of now, they seem to be incompatible... i do not see them going together. one seems to be oil. the other seems to be water. immiscible. so, the way i see it, one has to give way for the other. whichever i choose will determine the course of my life for, at least, the next two or three years. whichever i choose, will affect the rest of my life. whichever i choose, i stand to lose. ouch! God knows i need a reason to make me able to see them as compatible. then, i could have them both and i shall not be torn.

there's got to be a way! i don't wanna pursue one dream, give up the other and, in the end, be haunted by the dream i did not choose. if only i can have my cake and eat it, too...

-¤-
i've been praying for something to happen to make me make up my mind and i'm waiting. He's taking His time and i'm not gonna tell Him to hurry because i trust His sense of timing.

He knows i want one more than i want the other. i want it so much, it makes me more afraid to go after it whole-heartedly. i want to have it but i'm having second thoughts of giving my all to it because even if i do so, i might still fail. no doubt that if i succeed, i'd be the happiest being i'll know there is in the world. however, if i fail, what then will be left of me? arrgggh. the dilemma...

you can't blame me.

i've been doing stabs at it, and it seems that no matter what i do, i can't really have it. sure, sometimes i get a hold of it but it slips away within moments. it has a lot of promise but it seems too fleeting... it seems to be forever ahead of me and won't settle on my palm.

it's too early to give up, i know, but i'm already tired of trying. that is why i'm back to waiting...

and, yes, hoping that when pretty soon comes, i won't have to choose after all. it could be that, from afar, the desires of my mind, heart and soul are different but, at close range, they are one and the same. maybe it's just a matter of perspective.

sana lang...

-¤-
the little voice: ha! i knew it! she wants my dream!
the big voice: silly, she meant the other one. she meant my dream!
the medium voice: come on, she already said she wants both. let her take her time. she'll find a way at hitting them both with a single stone, so to speak. she always does, you know that.
me: whatever.