free-fall writing

"Love your calling with passion.
It is the meaning of your life."
-- Auguste Rodin

here i am thinking as if i really have so much time in my hands. i know i don't. i have many things to do. no, let me say that a little differently: i find that there are many things that i want to do.

take for instance, tonight. just awhile ago i was switching from one desktop window to another, checking out reference materials, further building up my thesis, and appreciating my own mental soup. before that, i was doing genuine attempts at perfecting the yoga positions i learned just today from a good friend. now, with my "thesis-related" windows still up in the background, i'm listening to music, blogging, thinking of eating isaw or balut, and trying to pin-point what i really want -- for tonight, for tomorrow, for next month, for next season, and for the rest of my life. bah.

let's see my dilemma for tonight: in front of me is a pile of books worthy of my time. in front of me, too, is a stack of movies i've already seen but still consider to be worth watching again and definitely worthy of their swept acclaim -- the silence of the lambs, crash, million dollar baby, amistad, gone with the wind, city of god, boys don't cry, casablanca, i am sam, schindler's list and a lot more. (ha ha, i'm my own video rental shop). directly in front of me is my beloved multitasking-adept computer. to my left is a plastic bag of oranges waiting to be peeled and eaten (i mean the oranges, not the plastic bag). to my right are printed thesis reference materials lying on the pillow-side of my bed waiting to be picked up again so that they can indulge me in another round of induced confusion and, hopefully, more understanding. hmmmm... let's get this straight. i want to read a book, i want to watch a movie, i want to play either klotski or jigsaw puzzle, i want to eat the oranges, and i want to be confused and enlightened by my papers all at the same time! ah, this is so typical of me, i shoulda be used to being like this by now. needless to say, i'm still not. pooh.

i have so little time and there are so many things that i want to do. what to do? what to do?! maybe i should go out for an hour and just try to count all the stars i could see in the night sky. then, i'll wish for whatever i want with every count -- wish for what i want for tomorrow, for next month, for next season, and for the rest of my life -- whatever comes to mind.

BUT... but... what do i really want? i've been trying to create a mental map of what i really want to be lately. i've been asking myself the questions i refused to face a year or two ago. hay. i'm in that stage of contemplating what to really do with my existence. hay jud. could this be the premature onset of old age due to looming death? syet. wag naman! tatawad na lang ako... uhm, how about quarter-life crisis? it sounds good to me now. hehe. see, it cannot be simply one high after the other without a good sense of direction for me anymore. i need to be able to pin-point that ultimate thing that i'm meant to do with the life i've been unselfishly gifted with. i have to go for that one thing i need to know, that one thing i need to find, that one thing that will really drive me home.

"What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."
-- the late Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

i know i should keep listening, i should keep feeling, i should keep waiting, i should keep praying, and i should keep believing that maybe what i've been told is true: the answer will just come to me when the universe knows i'm ready. when my right time comes, i'll fall freely into what i'm destined to be and i'll truly, madly, deeply be happy. then, when i die, i'll die fulfilled knowing that i did not live in vain.